Contrary to unpopular opinion, there are actually dozens of liberals in Cincinnati.

        I know, because I heard from all of them last week after I poked fun at the left-brain philosophy.

        In my March 18 column about the sudden and unexplained name-brand switch from “liberal” to “progressive,” I suggested in my subtle and sensitive way that “liberal” is the Oldsmobile of politics. I implied that thin-skinned lefties would rather call names than try to defend stale ideas that haven't changed since tennis balls were white.

        Of course, many proud liberals replied with thoughtful, reasoned analysis and logical rebuttals.

        Well, not exactly — unless “butt-head” is a rebuttal.

        “Moronic and sophomoric,” they carped. “Narrow-minded and bigoted.”
       

Calling Dr. Freud

        They whined about “right-wing zealots of Cincinnati,” echoing a curiously common hometown loathing that I will leave to the kind of analysts who know how to spell Freud on the first try.

        One woman asked, “Do you have to work at being such a horse's patoot, or does it come naturally?”

        Well, they pay me for it, but getting letters like that makes it too fun to qualify as work. I must be a natural.

        The rest of the replies went downhill from there, often using a four-letter word that progressives use like a slamming door: Hate. As in “hate monger” and “stirring up hate.”

        Get a grip. If any liberals are still reading, allow me to confess: Conservatives are not perfect.
       

"Thar she blows'

        The right has exactly the opposite neurosis.

        While liberals are mostly young people who cling to old ideas, conservatives are led by old people who welcome new ideas the way Moby Dick welcomes rocket-propelled harpoons.

        Let me stipulate that many liberals only think they are still young, and need to be told otherwise, discreetly, by someone who cares. Friends don't let friends dress drunk.

        And conservatives are not all as old as they act.

        But you'd never know it, because the Republican Party's archaic seniority system promotes the next idle placeholder in line, even if he has died waiting. It's like an assembly line at General Motors GOP: too many lemons designed for the Buick generation.

        This is how conservatives get stuck with candidates like the 1957 Bob Dole and the 1963 Bob Taft. Occasionally, they scare the customers with a daringly bizarre Newt Gingrich Aztek.

        Many models are loaded with equipment the competition can't touch, such as school choice, Social Security reform and heavy-duty, all-terrain foreign policy. But it's hard to get past the uninspired butter-dish styling.

        I think I know what's eating progressives like rust on a '72 Vega. They think their environmentally friendly, jelly-bean Taurus Gore was run off the road by a gas-gulping Suburban Bush — and they can't understand why most Americans think we got a Corvette with a tax-cut rebate. They are a quart low on sense of humor.

        Conservatives are much better at taking insults. We're used to it.

        E-mail: pbronson@enquirer.com or phone 768-8301. Cincinnati.Com keyword: Bronson.

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