A few months ago, I received an e-mail from a writer I've never met who lives in another city. He was planning to interview a woman who uses a wheelchair, and he was asking for guidance on the “right” and “wrong” way to frame his questions. I was touched by his concern, and reminded that many people are eager for just plain do's and don'ts.

        Here, then, is a roundup of disability etiquette pointers I compiled a few years ago. Maybe these will help your next surprise encounter go a bit more smoothly.

        1. Is it OK to offer help?

People with disabilities are just people. Sometimes they use crutches or canes or guide dogs or wheelchairs or look different in other ways. But everyone needs help sometimes. If you think a person with a disability needs your help, offer it. Sometimes the answer to your offer will be yes and sometimes no, but it will almost always be appreciated.

        2. Is it OK to talk about hearing and seeing when talking to someone who is deaf or blind?

Of course. People who are deaf or blind live in the same world with people who hear and see in the usual ways. They enjoy the same movies and plays and concerts and basketball games.

        It would make everyone feel uncomfortable and foolish to use different words for the same commonplace experiences. Blind people say, “I was watching TV last night,” and “I'll see you later,” to a friend. They say “Let me see that,” when they want to examine an object more closely.

        Deaf people say “I heard a funny story,” and “Yes, I am listening to you,” for the same reasons. Even if you “see” with your hands or “hear” with your eyes, the words we use are the same.

        3. What should I do when I can't understand someone speaking?

People who are born with cerebral palsy, have experienced a stroke or have other neurological disorders will sometimes have speech difficulties. Their thoughts and feelings, however, have not been affected.

        Never ignore what a person is saying because it is difficult to understand. Ask the person to repeat. If you understand part of the sentence, say “I know you're asking me something about baseball, but I'm not sure what it is.” It is frustrating, but not nearly as frustrating as never being understood.

        4. How do I let a blind or deaf person know I am speaking to them?

Use a person's name if you can. If you don't know the name, tap him or her lightly on the arm. This will let a blind person know you are speaking to him, and will get a deaf person's attention to look at you.

        Speaking of speaking, always speak directly to the person with the disability. It is rude to talk about or around a person. If you want to know what someone needs or would like to have, ask the person — not his friend or companion.

        When you're speaking to a blind person, let them know if you are going to walk away. Just say, “I'm going across the room to talk to John for a minute.” It is embarrassing to talk to an empty chair if you don't realize the person with you has moved away.

        7. It's awkward hovering over someone in a wheelchair? Should I squat or sit with them?

When speaking with someone in a wheelchair, make eye contact. If it's more comfortable for you to pull up a chair, or squat down, do so.

        8. Is it OK to pet a guide dog?

No. Guide dogs and other service animals are trained to guide a blind person or assist a person with another disability. The bond of dependency goes both ways. The dogs depends on its human for food and affection. The human depends on the dog for safety and assistance. By petting without permission, you are endangering the safety of the person who uses the dog.

        9. Is it OK to ask someone why they are disabled?

Ask questions that begin with “how” and “why” rather than “What happened?” We are all curious about one another, and most of us like to talk about our own lives. Asking “How do you do the laundry?” or “Why do you have hand controls on your car?” is interesting and not as intrusive as “What happened to you?” might be.

        10. I'm anxious about approaching a person with a disability. What should I be thinking?

        Remember that while the packaging may be different, we all have the same range of feelings. People with disabilities are people first, with a disability as part of their personal packaging. It's better to make a small mistake in gesture or language than to miss making a new friend.
        Contact Deborah Kendrick by phone: 673-4474; fax: 321-6430; e-mail: dkkendrick@earthlink.net.
       

Dayton arts center prepares for takeoff
Schusters have ties to Cincinnati
Shakespeare Festival season shaped by unrest
Status quo scares artistic director
Adoptive mom helps with baby steps
Artist seeking allowance, balance
Golf more than game to lifelong enthusiast
KENDRICK: Alive and Well
CAM wants Roman Boy
DEMALINE: The arts
Gumbel's departure puts 'Show' in play
Performance pure Manilow
Romeo's show a lil' disappointing
MARTIN: Foodstuff
Serve it this week: Green onions
Get to it