I don't get it. Where are all the smoker jokes?

        There are jokes about lawyers and blondes and even Al Gore's beard. But I never hear anything like:

        “What do you call 400 smokers sinking in quicksand? A good start.”

        “If a lawyer and a smoker are both drowning and you can only save one of them, would you go shopping or get a haircut?”

        “How many smokers does it take to change a light bulb? Change it yourself, they're all outside having a cigarette.”

        Or, “What's the difference between a skunk and a cigar smoker? You can't borrow a lighter from a skunk. And skunks don't bother you unless you bother them.”

        If you think these jokes are cruel, they're nothing compared to the abuse smokers take.

        Smokers are the lepers of the world.

Got a light?

        They get the worst tables in restaurants, if they get one at all. “Smoking section?” the hostess sniffs with mingled scorn and pity. “Let me show you to your table in the Loading Dock Lounge, next to the Dumpster.”

        Smokers are victims of blatant prejudice. Everywhere they go there are signs: “Not here, leather lungs.” “Thank you for not polluting my planet.” And, “Second-hand smoke is a first-degree felony.”

        The San Francisco Chronicle reports: “If anti-smoking activists get their way, even the most wholesome Disney movie, where a curious teen-ager takes a puff on a cigarette, would get slapped with an "R' rating.”

        OK, so San Francisco is the Nitwit Magnet of America. But don't bet that it can't happen here. First it's “no smoking” at ballgames, and pretty soon it will be illegal to even look at pictures of unwrapped cigars.

        Some of my best friends are smokers. I was once a citizen of Marlboro Country myself, and I still enjoy an occasional cigar. So I've felt the icy death stares from sanctimonious nonsmokers who would rather get an Ebola virus transfusion than catch a stray whiff of the ambient aroma of a fine stogie.

        Smokers are treated like dirt. No, worse than dirt, because dirt is still welcome in art museums.

Try this

        If you don't believe smokers are oppressed, just ask for an ashtray in public and take note of the way people look at you as if you just asked for a crack pipe. “Do you mind if I smoke?” gets about the same response as “Do you mind if I barbecue your dachshund and chain-saw your big-screen TV?”

        And now smokers are being openly targeted by Ohio politicians, who have decided to extend “Open Season on Smokers” to all the months between Jan. 1 and Dec. 31.

        Gov. Bob Taft and the leaders of the Ohio General Assembly have decided to strap Ohio's $1.2 billion deficit on the backs of smokers, who are already short of breath from carrying around a social stigma as heavy as an anvil.

        Let's face it: Lawmakers want to triple the 24-cent tax on a pack of cigarettes because it's easy. They know that nobody will stick up for smokers, and smokers won't complain because it's hard to yell a lot with a cigarette in your mouth.

        So what's the difference between a smoker and a politician? One needs new lungs, the other is missing a spine.

        E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.

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