The blue book on Jimmy Carter says he was a lemon as a president, but has great resale value as one of the best used presidents.

        That's not really fair. He has been lousy at both.

        He gets more mileage out of a tool belt than Tim Allen. By showing up to hammer some two-by-fours together at Habitat for Humanity home-building sites, Mr. Carter has achieved sainthood among journalists, who are easily impressed by power tools, skilled trades and anyone who can do something besides talk about doing something.

        I say, “Big deal.”
       

Gold-medal meddler

       Where was Jimmy Carter when my basement flooded?

        I'll tell you where he was. He was meddling in some third-world sinkhole like the champion buttinsky he has always been.

        Mr. Carter must be aware that he is no longer in charge of U.S. foreign policy and scheduling the White House tennis courts, but he seems to be doing his best to keep the rest of the world from finding out.

        He has meddled everywhere from Baghdad to Toenail, Miss., wherever ignorant, backward people struggle to hold fair elections — such as Florida.

        Now he's in Cuba, chumming with one of the last unembalmed Stalin groupies, Fidel Castro. Fidel has more political prisoners than Mr. Carter has teeth, and he shares biological weapons with terrorists who could use them to kill people whose only crime was voting for Jimmy Carter.

        And when he's not on some grandiose mission to cozy up to our worst enemies, he's pontificating about the “mistakes” of the current president like some retired sidewalk superintendent who keeps wandering into the hard-hat area.
       

My friend Fidel

        Mr. Carter has given heartburn to all of the presidents who had the misfortune to ignore his busybody advice. If you've ever wondered what ex-presidents talk about when they gather for funerals and awkward ceremonies, my guess is they ask each other, “How do you get rid of that that pain in the neck Carter? — uh-oh, cheese it, here he comes now to tell us how to say "nook-ya-ler.”

        That's why I think USA Today got it all wrong in a Page 1 Bush-whupping story on Monday, “Former occupants haunt White House.” Susan Page reported, “Presidents are members of one of the world's most exclusive fraternities, those who know firsthand the challenges of the Oval Office. You might think that an incumbent would see his predecessors as valuable resources, as repositories of knowledge and experience, as potential advisers and envoys.”

        No, I would not think that. I would think all presidents adopt the “Please, I would rather do it MYSELF!” policy, hoping that all ex-presidents have the class and good manners to shut up and go away.

        President Reagan was no help to George Bush I. Obviously. And although Mr. Bush phones his son, he kept his lip zipped even when President Clinton was being impeached.

        The glaring exceptions seem to be Mr. Clinton — who is an exceptionally needy special case with a raging addiction to himself — and Mr. Carter, who is — well, still a lemon.

        E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.
       

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