What in the wide world of sports is wrong with America? Terrorists are plotting to explode dirty bombs. India and Pakistan are itching to lean on the nukes button. And our biggest worry is that Major League Baseball players are using performance-enhancing steroids to hit more home runs.

        I'd say the problem is not too many steroids in baseball. It's not enough for the rest of us.

        The steroid panic was ignited by Sports Illustrated, which quoted baseball players who claim that half of them are popping anabolic steroids to elevate their testosterone.

Itching for pills

        Maybe that explains all their scratching and whining: They're a quart low.

        Apparently, steroids are a big hit in baseball because there are no drug tests, as in the NFL and NBA. It's a muscle-bound arms race.

        A pitcher explained it to SI: “Basically, steroids can jump you a level or two. The average player can become a star and the star player can become a superstar. And the superstar? Forget it. He can do things we've never seen before.”

        Where do I sign up? A bushel of steroids might enhance my golf game all the way up to “average.”

        And if that doesn't sound like a rational reason to risk liver disease, several varieties of cancer, injuries, heart disease, mood swings, temper tantrums and sexual dysfunction, what kind of sports fan are you?

        Imagine what performance enhancers could do.

        • CIA and FBI agents on steroids might find Osama and give him a hot-foot with a Hellfire missile.

        • Attorney General John Ashcroft might get tough enough to deport the U.S. citizens who are helping the terrorists: ACLU lawyers.

        • Federal Judge Susan Dlott could swing a heavier gavel and restore order in court. At a hearing last week on Cincinnati's racial profiling agreement, Mayor Charlie Luken was shouted down for saying positive things about Cincinnati cops. Black United Front protesters showed their commitment to improving police-community relations by jeering the mayor. “I was called a 'faggot,' a 'punk' and (unprintable), and I complained to the bailiff,” Mr. Luken said. Nothing was done.

        • If we could dose up the Ohio General Assembly with steroids, they might find the strength to cut spending instead of raising taxes.

        • Gov. Bob Taft on steroids couldn't be much worse than Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura, and he might get enough giddyup to lead Ohio instead of flinching when the Ohio Supreme Court kicks sand in his face.
       

Here, take this

        I would also recommend steroids for:

        • President Bush, to quit talking about smoking Saddam and just do it.

        • The pope, to come to America and whup the disgraced Catholic Church back into shape.

        • And the string bean commissioner of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig, needs an emergency testosterone transfusion to quit wimping out and order immediate drug tests.

        Baseball players should at least play by the same rules as racehorses: If they're using dope, just say nope.

        Let's get steroids out of baseball and back where they belong — in my golf bag.

       E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.

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