Enquirer sports reporter Shannon Russell reacts while trying to hook her live bait. (Jeff Swinger photo) | ZOOM |

        Ever wonder what the secret to life is? Just Wednesday I found it, based solely on two little-known certainties: a.) all wax worms have mail-order diplomas from the Harry Houdini School of Magic, and b.) freshwater fish are SHEER GENIUSES.

        I chanced upon both during Summer Adventure No. 4, a fishing trip to Symmes Township's Lake Isabella. The 28-acre Isabella is the Hamilton County Parks District's only paylake and is designated as such because there is no adjacent tributary and the water can't be state-regulated. It began as a charming rock quarry but eventually was filled with water, 6 zillion fish, four abacuses and a bootlegged copy of the Harvard entrance exam.

        Because it's a paylake, anglers don't need fishing licenses to go there. But they do need to purchase a 12-hour ticket (retail value: $7.50, with part of the proceeds going straight to the Pisces Genioso Fund for Fishes Pursuing Doctorate Degrees). Gear and accessories are also available for purchase or rent.

        Lake foreman Michael Calvo loaded a 16-foot boat with fishing poles, bait and life jackets for myself, fellow fisherman Heidi Ieuter of Hyde Park, and Enquirer photographer Jeff Swinger, who rightfully feared for his safety every time we cast our lines.

        We learned that Isabella is stocked every year with thousands of pounds of fish. Anglers are allowed to keep fish weighing less than 10 pounds; anything heavier must be thrown back into the lake. Judging by the boathouse Polaroids — and prize catches the size of adult antelopes — we had a hunch the lightweights were the least of our worries.

CATFISH CUISINE

For a delicious, surefire dinner, follow this simple recipe: Mix one part Spam with two part onions; add corn flakes, vegetable juice and a pinch of oregano. Roll concoction into quarter-sized balls, insert hook and — voila! — the entree is irresistible.     To a catfish, at least.     “Catfish like anything stinky,” Sharon Woods lake manager Jason Vaught said. “And catfish are lazy fish. Once they get close to strong-smelling bait, they just go after it.”     Area fishermen can tantalize the most sluggish of catfish with a single whiff, thanks to creations they whip up in their very own kitchens. Vaught has heard of everything from the usual (chicken livers) to the unusual (chicken livers soaked in whiskey) from lake patrons.     Avid angler Kyle Creasy has baited his hook with lunchmeat before but prefers a specialized dough recipe for catching Sharon Woods catfish. Creasy makes a paste of Wheaties and water, then adds ground beef, Limburger cheese, vanilla extract and rice for a meal catfish rarely refuse.     “I don't usually keep the catfish I catch, but if I did eat one, I don't think I would taste the bait. There wouldn't be enough time for it to get into its body,” Creasy said.     Kevin Wheat, a Winton Woods lake fisherman, enjoys using Wheaties paste balls and garlic-coated mozzarella cheese wads.     “Once I used pizza crust with garlic on it. It seemed to work all right. I used it all night,” Wheat said.     Though wax worms are the bait of choice at the Hamilton County Park District's four lakes, serious fishermen continue food group experimentation to entice the pickiest of prize monster cats.     “I've even heard of people putting WD-40 on their bait,” Lake Isabella foreman Michael Calvo said. “I better never see that happening. But I hear it works.”

        “So, uh, how big are the fish here?” I stammered as we launched the boat.

        “Someone caught at 48-pounder a week ago. It was as big as a Volkswagon,” Michael said. “But we've seen 'em up to 70 pounds. We call the giant catfish here MONSTER catfish.”

        I briefly considered lunging for the dock. Unfortunately, the boat had been ferried to the lake's deepest region (80 feet), and I feared a monster fish would mistake me for a succulent feast. Michael, noticing our faces' green pallor, quickly clarified: The lake was filled with other fish, too, such as bass, trout, carp, crappie, sunfish and an assortment of cats (shovelheads, bullheads, blue cats, channel cats and the ever-elusive tabby cats).

        It is very important that we pause and ponder an important topic: Why Bait is Hideous and Disgusting. While wax worms, nightcrawlers and minnows certainly have a place in the animal kingdom, Heidi and I preferred they were isolated to a.) Sri Lanka, b.) Bora Bora or c.) Vermont. I suspected a hungry fish would just as well enjoy a marzipan confection or jelly-filled doughnut, but I wasn't about to tell Michael, who insisted I BAIT MY VERY OWN HOOK.

        Heidi expertly wrangled a slithering, slightly angry nightcrawler into a seaworthy knot and cast the first line. Ever so slowly and with my eyes mostly shut, I affixed a writhing, pasty, white wax worm to my hook and fired the line.

        Considering the gazillion fish loaded into the lake and Isabella's relatively small circumference, we assumed it would take only minutes to seize our prey.

        “I thought it would be a piece of cake. I thought all I had to do was throw in my line and something would grab on,” said Heidi, who immediately snared a 10-inch sprig of seaweed.

        So we waited. And waited. And waited. And still, nothing happened.

        Then, suddenly, my bobber disappeared. Hurrah! I yanked the rod back and commenced a reeling frenzy, only to discover that my bait was missing and there was no fish in sight.

        After 45 minutes without bites, we decided our problem was location. We moved to the Isabella dock and Heidi switched to wax worms. Two back-to-back baits were swiped before her very eyes — or so it seemed.

        By the time we meandered to the lake's banks (still fishless) it became apparent that the wax worms were not simply lethargic and overweight grubs. We saw them instead as shrewd magicians, able to resiliently ease off a hook and swim their wormy swim to safety. The most surprising part is that they don't wear capes.

Russell and her friend Heidi Ieuter of Hyde Park yuk it up in the boat. (Jeff Swinger photo) | ZOOM |

        Then there are the ultra-smart fish, who didn't show their faces once. It's conceivable they're in cahoots with wax worms to outfox fishermen, but in reality I think they're much happier working math equations and diagramming sentences at the lake's bottom. They're no doubt bored with the put-bait-on-a-hook-to-catch-a-fish theory, which has been around for quite some time and is quite elementary for their advanced civilization.

        Heidi and I, representatives of our civilization, packed up our gear after two hours and left empty-handed.

        Not to be defeated by the cunning fish, I returned the next day with my sister, Kit. Thirty-six Houdini worms and six minnows escaped unscathed. Finally, an hour into our foray, I felt a tug at my line. At last!

        I'd actually caught a real, live fish! The prize catch of the day! My crowning achievement!

        I couldn't have been prouder of a 3-inch sunfish.

        After returning Dr. Fish to his theology seminar, I finally came up with the secret of life: It is better to learn from a fish than catch it.

        And true happiness comes from never touching wax worms again.

Sports Stories

Biles' life jumps back on track Indiana track faces fine for failing to disclose all Nonsuch Bay wins Mother Goose Stakes Deveroes rosters, schedule Summer League site could change 3rd: Turkey 3, South Korea 2 America faces slow road ahead despite soccer success Channel 9 will show Cup final live Schroeder with high hopes for Germans - real high World Cup trophy is as filled with history as tournament itself Becker doesn't expect Sampras to return to Wimbledon Court 2, Wimbledon's 'Graveyard of Champions' V.Williams loses a set Biela put Le Mans-winning Audi on pole at Mid-Ohio Biffle wins Busch pole GROESCHEN: Ky. Speedway won't let Winston dream die Hard-luck Nadeau can't seem to catch a break Heroic ex-marine became Roush's guardian angel Hnatiuk still leads in Memphis Kettering course gets 2005 Senior Open Tiger comfortable shooting birdies - and commercials Armstrong eyes fourth straight Tour de France title Klitschko retains WBO belt On-deck batter collapses and dies at youth ballgame Three seconds from gold Coming up this week Enquirer Page Two power rankings Hook, line & sinker

Reds 4, Cards 2
Reds box, runs
Reds Q&A
Boone to ask for more innings from starters
Graves, Dunn have best shot at All-Star Game
Reds chatter
Top pick handled with care
Anniversary of Riverfront opener rekindles memories
Cinergy Moment No. 21. - June 16, 1978
Choosing All-Stars is no simple task
Colon joins the Expos
Corey's seizure still a mystery
Interleague roundup
Notes from Saturday's games
Durham 4, Louisville 3
John Fay's MLB power rankings
Bengals Q&A
Giants' Pochman has big shoes to fill
Rams release Summit, Miami product Cohen
GROESCHEN: Big crowd gets bigger