So a nun walks into an office and says, “Blow it out your a--!”

        A grandmother inquires over dinner about her 20-something grandson's love life by asking, “So, why aren't you getting laid?”

        When an English teacher encourages a teenager to read more, his mother angrily declares: “(She's) a meddlesome little bitch.”

        Welcome to the new fall network TV season, where TV land will look and sound an awful lot like cable. MTV's The Osbournes, to be specific.

        As TV critics gather for the annual summer press tour to preview the fall season this week in Pasadena, Calif., part of the discussions will be about how crass prime-time has become.

        Network executives, no doubt, will point out that they're struggling to compete with cable TV's growing audience.

        For the first time in TV history, the number of viewers for ad-supported cable channels (MTV, Nickelodeon, CNN, USA, Lifetime, etc.) has surpassed the number of viewers for the seven broadcast networks (ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, WB, UPN and PAX). In the second quarter this year (April-June), cable had a 49 percent audience share; the seven broadcast networks had a 46 percent share.

        Viewers may be in for a bit of a shock this fall. Then again, maybe not, if they've been watching Ozzy Osbourne's (bleeping) family, the highest-rated series in MTV's history.

        I've previewed a half-dozen new fall shows so far, and I've been surprised at the crude humor:

        • The first two examples at the top of this column come from NBC's Good Morning, Miami (9:30 p.m. Thursday), a sitcom from Will & Grace writers about a hot-shot producer (Mark Feuerstein from The West Wing) trying to fix a struggling morning show. Think of it as a cross between Murphy Brown and CBS' short-lived Welcome to New York produced by Comdey Central's The Man Show.

        In 22 minutes, viewers will hear talk of whores, pelvic exams, blowing smoke up someone's rear end, and the “p” word for urination, one of the seven words George Carlin once said you couldn't use on TV.

        Salty Suzanne Pleshette (The Bob Newhart Show) plays Mr. Feuerstein's grandmother, the one who bluntly asks about his sex life. Brooke Dillman (The Wayne Brady Show) plays Sister Brenda, the morning show traffic and weather reporter. It's a funny twist on a TV character — until she yells at her boss to blow it out his rear end.

        You might expect this on Comedy Central or Fox — but on NBC?

        • The tone of CBS' Still Standing also sounds from Fox, particularly Malcolm in the Middle or Grounded for Life.

        Mark Addy (The Full Monty) stars as the immature father of three whose wife, Judy, (Jami Gertz from The Gilda Radner Story) must do parenting for two.

        In the pilot, Mr. Addy's character also uses the “p” word. He says he married Judy just “to p--- off her dad.”

        • On Fox, viewers will see the mean-spirited sitcom where a mother Rosie Grubb (Carol Kane from Taxi) insults her teenage son's English teacher.

        Actually, the formula for The Grubbs, a comedy about an under-achieving husband (Randy Quaid) and wife, and their two teenage sons, is a rip-off of Married ... with Children, Fox's first successful sitcom.

        Although Al Bundy may have used the term “when pigs fly” during his 1987-97 Fox run, I don't think he ever said, “when pigs fly out my a--,” as they do on The Grubbs.

        And I don't recall Al Bundy having this conversation with his son:

        Boy: “How do you get a girl to like you?”

        Dad: “I don't know — get her pregnant?”

        Boy: “I mean before that.”

        Dad: “Get her drunk!”

        I'm eager to see the new fall ABC comedies produced under Susan Lyne, named entertainment division president in January.

        Last year, ABC premiered According to Jim, on which a preschool girl went around telling people “I have a vagina!” (The episode repeats 8 p.m. Tuesday, Channels 9, 2). That's what the Disney-owned network considered family entertainment a year ago.

        ABC will heavily promote its fall 8 p.m. programs as the “ABC Happy Hour” this fall, trying to recapture the magic of Happy Days, Who's The Boss, Laverne & Shirley and Family Matters.

        But even on Disney's network, the 8-9 p.m. slot might not be safe family viewing. The “Happy Hour” includes the risque humor of Drew Carey and Whose Line (moving to 8-9 p.m. Mondays this fall).

        For years, the networks have been grappling with how far to go to lure viewers back from cable.

        At the Television Critics Association summer press tour 12 years ago, critics were upset that a child would say, “You suck!” on CBS' new 8 p.m. Uncle Buck sitcom.

        Steven Bochco cited cable competition for NYPD Blue's brief nudity and adult language before it premiered on ABC in 1993.

        In 1999, Fox previewed it's Action sitcom about a profane Hollywood movie producer (Jay Mohr) with the expletives bleeped out. Action died a quick, ugly death in the Nielsen ratings — 2 1/2 years before Ozzy Osbourne's foul-mouthed family became cable's big hit.

        This week TV critics will gather again with network TV executives, and we'll ask them why TV's lowest common denominator will drop several notches this fall.

        But don't expect them to change any shows' content. Despite our protests, ABC didn't edit out the “vagina” lines from According to Jim last year, or pull “You suck!” in 1990.

        So get ready for what Ozzy Osbourne would call the (bleeping) fall

        E-mail jkiesewetter@enquirer.com. Past columns at Enquirer.com/columns/kiese

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