Men would rather watch guys eat.

        I mean really eat. We like to watch a guy who can put it away like he has a date with Old Sparky in the morning. We like to watch someone who can pack it in with reckless abandon — the kind of guy who has been served everything on the menu, including restraining orders at every all-you-can-eat buffet in town.

        Guys like Jethro Bodine of the Beverly Hillbillies, who “snacked” on economy-size boxes of Frosted Flakes, scooped out of a bodacious mixing bowl with a small garden shovel.
       

"Crunchy. Not bad'

        Guys like my buddy Terry. I once watched him inhale a fried chicken, clam chowder, a couple of burgers and a small trawler of shrimp in Dagwood's Bar and Grill. As I witnessed the massacre, stupefied, he moved on to the leftover shrimp tails.

        “Crunchy,” he said, chewing thoughtfully. “Not bad.”

        But Terry and Jethro are rookies compared with the world champions of mastication. According to the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (yes, it really exists), Eric Badlands Booker won the BurritoVille Burrito Eating Contest by gulping 14 burritos in eight minutes, defeating Gaseous Maximus Frye. The aftershocks must have registered on the Richter scale.

        The IFOCE Web site (www.ifoce.com) describes how “exhilarating” it is to watch a pro-eater “mature as an athlete.”

        Of course. You won't see them on the sports pages, but these guys must train harder than figure skaters.
       

Dog eat dog

        And if you think skaters' pants are tight, try this:
       “On July 4, 2001, 131-pound Takeru Kobayashi of Nagano, Japan, ate 50 Nathan's hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes,” the IFOCE reports. This year, he topped that by adding another half-wiener. “The American competitive eating community has been in a state of disarray since the event,” the report said.

        I believe it. Watching someone eat 50 hot dogs in less time than it takes me to microwave one could cause nearly fatal disarray, including heart attacks and strokes — especially among the “obesity police” who want to outlaw fat the way anti-smoking fanatics went after tobacco.

        Does this sound like something on a pack of Kools?

        “CAUTION: The Surgeon General warns that 300,000 deaths per year may be attributable to obesity, which is now the top public health hazard behind cigarettes.”

        Get used to it. We could soon see warnings like that on Twinkie wrappers and triple-bacon-chili-cheeseburgers with extra tallow sauce. Congress is already considering a “junk-food tax.” Heck, why not just weigh Americans on truck scales and tax them by the pound?

        In one year, an average American eats 30 pounds of cheese, six gallons of ice cream and 30 pounds of frozen French fries.

        America eats 90 acres of pizza per day.

        I suppose a real pro could eat Hawaii with extra cheese. It's a guy-thing, I guess, but that would be something to see.

        E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.
       

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