When Enron did a financial Chernobyl, most of the media said politicians who took contributions from the Texas power company should give the money back to help employees and investors who were victims of the meltdown. And the bankruptcy lawyers replied, “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

        They are still laughing so hard they can hardly pad their bills.

        But they will manage OK between knee-slapping guffaws at the breath-takingly gullible press. So far, lawyers feeding on the Enron carcass have billed $88 million at rates higher than all the oil derricks in Texas — up to $795 an hour.

Bankrupt ethics

        One bankruptcy lawyer billed 52 hours of work in a 48-hour period, said a spokesman for the Texas Attorney General's office, which is challenging the fees. Enron's lawyers are running the meter at $20 million a month, according to the Houston Chronicle.

        It's more shocking than a downed power line, but that's how the American bankruptcy system works.

        A big corporation crashes and burns or swindles thousands of investors, creditors and workers. And the justice system immediately steps in to find any money that might be left — then gives it all to bankruptcy lawyers.

        Whenever two or more bankruptcy lawyers gather, they create an irresistible physical force more powerful than a natural disaster. The vacuum they cause can suck the green off a dollar and wipe the smug smile right off a CEO's face. But they don't use their super powers to rescue bankruptcy victims. They use it to suck dry all the wallets and bank accounts attached to anyone who makes the fatal mistake of straying near the black hole of a bankruptcy case.

        If the victims get pennies on the dollar, they're lucky.

Unfair to weasels

        Unless you've seen these guys in action, you might think they're weasels. But that's unfair. Weasels are warm-blooded.

        I watched the bankruptcy lawyers pick over the bones of the carcass of Swallen's Inc. during a court hearing in Cincinnati. A representative of the Ohio Attorney General's office argued that the judge might want to take a closer look at $900 airplane tickets, lavish $200 meals and other excessive billing by flocks of lawyers who descended on Swallen's like carrion birds. In six years, the bankruptcy lawyers were paid more than $2.8 million, while creditors got to share $1.2 million.

        The poor slobs who got burned buying stoves or soaked on their Swallen's washing machine warranty are still waiting in line for a peek at an empty cash drawer.

        But the day I was in court, the judge looked at the lawyer representing the people of Ohio as if he had just sliced a Limburger cheese sandwich in court.

        He seemed surprised that anyone would question a bankruptcy system that is designed by and for bankruptcy lawyers. Creditors and victims are mere nuisances.

        So please, spare me the nonsense about giving money back to the Enron victims. Not a cent will make it past the hoovering bankruptcy scavengers who strut and flap like vultures with briefcases.

        Jeff Boyd, of the Texas Attorney General's office, told NBC News, “What this should not become is a feeding trough for lawyers.”

        And the lawyers replied, “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”
        E-mail: pbronson@enquirer.com. Past columns at Enquirer.com/columns/bronson

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