The secret word today is “Groucho.” Comedian Groucho Marx died 25 years ago today — three days after Elvis Presley — and it's a big secret to everyone but me.

        His 67-year show business career — vaudeville, films, radio, books and TV — has been forgotten by a world gone wacky over Elvis, and “reality TV” celebrity wannabes like Anna Nicole Smith.

        Today there are no look-alike contests for Julius “Groucho” Marx, who died at age 86 on Aug. 19, 1977.

Groucho

        No weeklong tribute to Groucho on Good Morning America or the Today show, as we saw last week for Elvis.

        Oh, I'd horsewhip them — if I had a horse. Groucho said that.

        Cable movie channels aren't airing Marx Brothers marathons today, as they did for Elvis. Turner Classic Movies ignored Groucho's anniversary today because it did a Marx Brothers week in December. That would have been for the ever-popular 24 1/2th anniversary, I guess.

        “We highlight many anniversaries each month, and have to pick and choose. Groucho's 25th probably didn't get the spotlight because we focused on the brothers so extensively in (December),” says TCM publicist Heather Holmes.

        TCM's Michelle Rosenblatt quotes a TCM boss as saying: “We've done a lot with the Marx Brothers lately . . . and Elvis was a big company-wide initiative, and we haven't done a big Elvis thing in over a year.”

        They all deserve 10 years at Leavenworth, or 11 years at Twelvesworth, as Groucho once said.

Real TV legend

        Groucho isn't even on the cover of TV Guide. It's Elvis this week — Don't be cruel! — even though the singer never had a TV series. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever hoid!

        Groucho's legendary quiz show, You Bet Your Life, aired 11 seasons on TV (1950-61). It earned him an Emmy in 1950 for Outstanding TV Personality over Sid Caesar. Reruns of the radio version still air weekly, at 8:30 p.m. Saturdays on WVXU-FM (91.7).

        Contestants could win $100 if they said “the secret word” while answering Groucho's inane questions like: “Who's buried in Grant's Tomb?” (How would Anna Nicole answer that one?)

        Further proof of Groucho's incomparable wit: Funnyman Bill Cosby revived You Bet Your Life in 1992, after ending his top-rated Cosby Show, and he was canceled in six months.

        To paraphrase Groucho: I thought my razor was dull until I saw his show.

Classic one-liners

        The word “dull” was never used to describe the Marx Brothers' classic 1930s comedies like Duck Soup, A Night at the Opera, Animal Crackers or Horse Feathers. Some of Groucho's lines from them are still quoted today.

        • “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know,” said Groucho as African explorer Capt. Jeffrey T. Spaulding in Animal Crackers (1930).

        • When Thelma Todd told him in Monkey Business (1931) that he was “awfully shy for a lawyer,” Groucho replied: “You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.”

        • In A Night at the Opera (1935), he was the straight man when brother Chico balked at signing a contract over language about not being of sound mind.

        “That's in every contract. That's what they call the sanity clause,” Groucho explained.

        To which Chico replied: “You can't fool me! There's ain't no Sanity Claus!”

Freak stars rule

        To see our culture ignore an icon like Groucho, while being obsessed with “reality TV” participants, is doubly painful.

        Freak stars used to be the exception. Now they are the rule. Thousands apply to be on Survivor, Big Brother and The Real World not just for their 15 minutes of fame — but for exposure to launch careers as actors, TV hosts, commercial spokesmen or celebrities.

        They don't need talent. They don't even have to look good on TV, as proved by MTV's The Osbournes or E! Entertainment's Anna Nicole Show day-in-a-life reality series.

        I can imagine what Groucho would say watching Anna Nicole, the overweight former stripper and Guess? jeans model:

        • “I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you came home.”

        • “Say, you cover a lot of ground. You'd better beat it. I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing.”

        • “Why don't you bore a hole in yourself, and let the sap run out?”

        • “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.”

        Poor Groucho. He had perfect comedic timing in everything — except his death.

        E-mail jkiesewetter@enquirer.com. Past columns at Enquirer.com/columns/kiese

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