I can still see his eyes peering through the window of my apartment, years ago, in Grand Rapids, Mich.

        Bold, blue eyes that had always struck me as secretive, emotional, volatile, were now electric in their intensity. This man, framed like a football player with a bushy, dark beard, had intimidated me long before that night. Something about him always hinted at an unpredictability, a ferocity.

        But tonight, he did not hide the potential danger behind his usual, barely polite conversation. The man was yelling threats loud enough for most of my neighbors to hear.

        He threatened to break in. He wanted to know where his wife — my close friend — was. He said he knew she was in there.

        He punctuated his words with repeated, wood-cracking pounds against my door. I could imagine those fists hitting my friend's face, as they had a few times before.

        But this night, his wife wasn't there. I didn't open the door to tell him that. I dialed 911.

        My date that night — a much younger, slighter man — shouted through the door to the irate husband. Eventually, he convinced him his wife wasn't there.

        After a last, almost pathetic plea to me to convince his wife to come home, the brute left.

Terror's lesson

        It was a minor bit of terror, but it resurfaced in me years later, when another female friend was endangered by an abusive husband. This time, I hesitated before offering her access to my home, but I did it anyway. I feared it was the only way she'd be convinced to leave.

        She didn't accept. But when her husband beat her again, she called police and eventually divorced him. She is safe.

        Sometimes, it's a frightening proposition to help a victim of spouse or partner abuse. You never know what will happen.

        That's why I'm praying for Carolyn Marksberry.

        Last weekend, police said, Marco Allen Chapman of Boone County stabbed Ms. Marksberry and her three children in their Warsaw, Ky., home. Two children died. Ms. Marksberry and a daughter survived and identified their assailant.

        Mr. Chapman faces murder and assault charges. Police said he had dated the Marksberrys' neighbor, but Mrs. Marksberry had encouraged her friend to break off the abusive relationship. She did.

Safe escapes

        To be sure, most escapes from abuse aren't this deadly.

        In fact, most abused women will leave their abusers eight times before succeeding, said Janet Hoffman, head of Warren County's Abuse and Rape Crisis Shelter (695-2435).

        They'll mostly head to family or friends' homes. But children, financial problems or other pressures often convince them to return to their abusers.

        By the time they seek a women's shelter — a protected, residential setting in a secret location — they've usually worn out their welcome elsewhere or it has become unsafe again, Ms. Hoffman said.

        “The people coming to our shelter are coming, often, because relatives and friends are very much afraid of (the abuser),” she said.

        Outside of shelters, abuse victims and their helpers can still take steps to make themselves safer, said Ann MacDonald, of Women Helping Women.

        They should plan escape routes and keep money, car keys, important papers handy.

        They should call police, who can discourage further violence. They should agree on a code word to use in the abuser's presence to signal to each other when police are needed.

        The abuse victim should obtain a protection order and keep copies handy, and show photos of the abuser to neighbors, coworkers, security personnel.

        Call hotlines like PROTECT (872-9259 in Cincinnati, or 859-491-3333 in Northern Kentucky) for specifics.

        E-mail damos@enquirer.com or call 768-8395.

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