Single baby boomers say playing the dating game in the Tristate is a bust.

After the “Single in Cincinnati” series ran in August, scores of e-mails came in protesting that the stories did not address the plight of singles over 40.

Most of the tips and examples given in the series were cross-generational. Several meeting places listed welcomed singles over 35. Still, the e-mails from boomers continued — after the series ended.

SINGLES OVER 40

Web Sites and organizations that cater to singles age 40 and older: • Singles Kala: Web site or 598-6822 • Parents without Partners: 860-2358 (Butler County) or 241-4744 (Cincinnati) • Cincinnati FunRaisers: Web site or 636-8900 • Wise Jewish Dateline: Web site or 745-9573 • Senior FriendFinder: Web site • Volunteer Match: Web site • Prime Time Singles: Web site or (859) 341-2793 • High Cincinnatians Tall Club: Web site or 352-0281 • Maple Knoll Center for Older Adults Big Band Dance (for singles 60 and older) in Springdale: 782-4399 • Old School Fridays at Este Conference Center (for adults 35 and older) in Winton Place: 679-2020

BOOKS FOR SINGLES

• Celebrating Single and Getting Love Right by L. Joan Allen with Marc Kusinitz (Capital Books; $24.95) • Getting Sentimental Over You by Roger Karshner (Noble Porter Press; $20) • Falling in Love When You Thought You Were Through by Jill Robinson and Stuart Shaw (HarperCollins; $23.95) • The Authentic Heart by John Amodeo (John Wiley and Sons; $15.95) • Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men by Valerie Gibson (Firefly; $12.95) • The Love Clinic by The Rev. Dr. Sheron C. Patterson (Penguin Putnam; $12.95) • With or Without a Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives by Karen Gail Lewis (Bull Publishing; $18.95) • Suddenly Single by Anita Richwine (1stBooks Library; $3.95 online, $17.50 hardback) • Night Games! A Guide to Understanding & Enjoying the Nightclub & Bar Scene by Rodney Battles (R&B Marketing; $19.95)

TRISTATE SINGLES

MEN 35-59 Never married: 37,935 Separated: 6,446 Widowed: 2,715 Divorced: 46,963 Total 94,059 WOMEN 35-59 Never married: 33,766 Separated: 9,611 Widowed: 10,509 Divorced: 57,362 Total: 111,248 Source: U.S. Census

Based on their comments and statistical data, the primary issue for singles of all ages seems to be the same: There are people out there who want to be in relationships and some who don't. Finding and separating the partners from the players makes the search frustrating.

According to the 2000 Census, the ratio of Tristate men to women ages 35 to 59 is close, skewed slightly to the women's side. Men in this age group add up to just more than 94,000; women top out at 111,000. Older singles say these statistics prove that finding that one special person isn't that simple.

“I have concluded from my single-status experience in this city,” says Karen Salmon of Covington, “that it is difficult for a single female in this city to locate a decent single, heterosexual male in the age range of 40-50. . . . There are women out there who choose to remain single but would like to find comfortable relationships, and we are not members of the Friends viewing audience's demographics.”

Says Rosalind Gallaspie of College Hill: “Single women are everywhere. Unfortunately, I can't give you any ideas about where to meet 40-plus males. In my search for a single male over 50, I've tried a lot of things, and find women. There has to be a better way.”

Different pools

Dayton resident Anita Richwine doesn't think the dating pool is stale, a word used in the series. Ms. Richwine, author of Suddenly Alone (1stBooks Library, $3.95 online at www.1stbooks.com; $17.50 hardback), believes part of the problem is that love-shy boomers may simply be fishing in different pools.

“Boomers and older tend to be more cautious with new relationships,” she says, “depending on their degree of loneliness or bitterness. Their greatest challenge, in my opinion, is meeting new men in a dating arena where eligible older men gravitate to younger women, at least initially.”

An old haunt for boomers is quickly becoming a hot meeting spot again. Rodney Battles, author of Night Games! A Guide to Understanding & Enjoying the Nightclub & Bar Scene (R&B Marketing; $19.95), says more men over the age of 40 are returning to the nightclub scene. “Nightclubs actually prefer older clientele,” says Mr. Battles. “Older people spend more money there, and they don't start fights.”

Unfortunately, boomer women still remember the nightclub/disco experience of their youths and don't want to relive the scene of thumping loud music, tired pickup lines and men who say they'll call but never do. And the prospect of picking up the phone first was seen as being too desperate. Most boomer women were raised to do the opposite: to wait to be asked to dance, out on a date or just to be called. Mr. Battles says those days are gone.

“Times have changed,” he says. “Men expect women to be more aggressive, with more direct signals. We're too stupid to pick up the subtleties. It is absolutely necessary for women to go beyond subtlety. Tell us what you want.”

Mr. Battles has a secret for women who want to make a new or current relationship stronger: “Find out what a man's passion is, and get involved.

“Even platonic relationships I've been in have turned into more when she keyed into whatever my current passion is,” whether it's watching sports, learning a new skill or playing golf. Learn about it, talk with him about it and join in the fun. Mr. Battles says some women view activities or “passions” that a man enjoys as something that takes time away from the relationship.

The key is to join in, embrace his interests and make it a part of the relationship, he says. Get interested in what he's interested in and create a common link of activity. Don't lose yourself in his world, just use this as an opportunity to broaden your own interests.

“Men are surprised when it happens,” he says.

New avenues

In case you're still not ready for the night life, Steve Loar of Clifton offers suggestions on places older singles can go. While all of them have a common theme, he agrees shared learning experiences can increase the chances of meeting someone new.

“For me,” he says, “the best places to meet singles are the Contemporary Arts Center parties, Taft Museum parties, the (Cincinnati) Art Museum parties, the Pubin Hyde Park and classes at the Art Academy. The art parties give you an easy opportunity to strike up a conversation about the art, or music. And of course, an art class, or any class, gives you the opportunity to know several people, over time, outside of work, and you all have a common interest to talk about.”

Ms. Gallaspie also suggests “it might help all of us if men who are trying to hook up would try perhaps the Friday night singles hikes sponsored by the Sierra Club, courses offered (through the University of Cincinnati) at Communiversity (I took biking and photography and met great women), hikes at the Cincinnati Nature Center, the lectures through the park series, concerts in the park and book discussion groups.”

Several readers sent lists of places for the over-40 crowd that worked for them. A few social organizations also e-mailed their welcome to new members. Other reader-suggested locations range from “old school night” for the 35 and older crowd to community-action volunteer organizations that give boomers a chance to meet someone with similar interests.

Some singles who have experienced pain in previous relationships are hesitant to begin again. The fear of that pain recurring can, in turn, sabotage any chance of meeting a potential partner. In the book, The Authentic Heart: An Eightfold Path to Midlife Love (John Wiley and Sons; $15.95), psychotherapist John Amodeo encourages the boomers to “just do it,” in regard to finding the love they want.

Real love

“Midlifers need a lot of courage to love again,” says Dr. Amodeo.

“It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable to the earth, to be open to relating more deeply with others. Don't be afraid to show your fears, but know that you're stronger because of it.”

Dr. Amodeo says boomers' life experiences give them a chance to experience a different kind of love than someone less mature. He calls it authentic love, a new attitude about relationships based on self-love and learning from past mistakes.

“People are living longer, because of a greater sense of self-care,” he says.

“They are also developing life skills they enjoy. As they live life in later years, older singles want to stop playing games. We're more in touch with an authentic self. The challenge is finding the courage to show that authentic self. It can be an exciting journey of learning more about yourself, opening new doors.”

The Enquirer's five-day “Single in Cincinnati” series is online.

If you would like to join one of Tempo's Internet reader advisory panels and participate in future stories — on the topics of single life, family life, Generation X, health or fitness — go to Cincinnati.Com and search with the keyword “panelists.”

Single in Cincinnati: Older daters aren't happy
E-mails lead to love and marriage
KIESEWETTER: Television
Chuck's checkout line
Eat Your Vegetables
Learn from retail tastings that let you try before you buy
Lower-fat cake keeps flavor, texture
Smart mouth
Smooth Production Line
Trade Secrets
Body & mind
Nobel Prizes reflect the history of medical research
Scholar approaches fun seriously
Get to it