Who is the man who won't risk his neck to take a stand?

Taft!

Who's the man who won't speak out, when there's issues all about?

Taft! Can ya dig it?

That cat Taft is a bad...

Shut your mouth.

I'm just talkin' bout Taft.

Here is a partial list of the topics Ohio Gov. Bob Taft is still not sure about:

Concealed weapons, tax increases, the budget, affirmative action, school choice, Social Security, gay rights, sex education, paper or plastic, regular or unleaded, scrambled or over easy, crunchy or smooth. . .

You get the picture.

Gov. Bob is hugging the hills and valleys of Ohio, running below radar. And why not? He has a campaign stash big enough to buy Toledo. Democrat Tim Hagan can't even afford a fresh idea.

Paper or plastic?

Mr. Hagan is a throwback liberal who looks like Jimmy Hoffa and sounds like Alec Baldwin playing Bill Clinton. Mr. Taft is a blue-blood animatron who is so stiff he probably starches his underwear.

Gov. Taft is as honest as mashed potatoes. But his leadership is as thin as diet bouillon.

Ohio's budget has a $4 billion blowout. But Gov. Taft won't jack it up and fix it until after the election.

Ohio's battle over teaching evolution only vs. including intelligent design is drawing national attention. But Gov. Taft has evolved no opinion.

Ohio had a brawl over sex education after Mr. Taft was elected. Parents discovered state officials wanted to teach fifth-graders how to use condoms - among other things. Gov. Taft took no position.

Lawmakers want Ohio to join most states and issue permits for concealed weapons. Gov. Taft said he supported it. Then he threatened a veto. Then he cut a deal to make sure it wouldn't come up before the election.

Carrot cake, please

At the "Issues 2002'' Web site, which promises "Every Political Leader on Every Issue,'' topic after topic says Bob Taft has "No stance on record.''

Gov. Taft's own Web site tells us that he's in favor of saving a gaseous diffusion plant in Portsmouth. And his favorite recipe is carrot cake.

OK, there's more than that. But it's mostly gaseous diffusion.

He alienated conservatives and Christians by choosing a running mate who is pro-abortion and pro gay rights. And his campaign is so bland, he's ahead by just 16 points in a race he should win by a landslide.

This would be a good year to vote for a reasonable Democrat. Too bad we have Tim Hagan instead. He talks about "closing loopholes'' to tax struggling businesses right out of Ohio and wreck the economy. His brand of populism is Mother Goose simple: Business bad. Taxes good.

It's a choice of slow decline or a train wreck in a hurry. It's an invisible governor vs. one who will make us wish he would disappear.

The Republican slogan should be: "No leadership is better than Hagan.'' So I will hold my nose and vote for the guy who is least likely to run us over a cliff.

I'm talkin' about Taft.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.