Look, up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's that weird know-it-all in tights and a bath-towel cape: Answer Man.

He's smarter than a locomotive, faster than a speeding building permit and leaps to ridiculous conclusions at a single bound. He's more annoying than a telemarketer calling on a cell phone in church.

And he's here just in time to rescue voters on Nov. 5.

Q. Does Answer Man always wear his tights backwards?

Answer Man: It's hard to find a phone booth these days. The only one in town was being used for a meeting of my fan club. Do you want me to change?

Q. Many people want you to change, but not right now. Just tell us, who will win the battle for Congress?

A: Answer Man fearlessly predicts that the Republicans will keep the House but lose the Senate. And if they don't lose the Senate, the Democrats will steal it again anyway because Republicans play politics the way the Cincinnati Bengals play football.

Q. That's a cheap shot.

A. Not really. Cincinnati has paid a very extravagant price for the privilege of mocking the Bengals.

Q. OK, back to the elections. Won't voters be turned off by the Democrats' manipulation of the Senate races in New Jersey and Minnesota?

Anna Nicole, D-Crass

A. No. Answer Man thinks the Democrats have become the Anna Nicole Show of politics. We can't believe they can be that crass and crude, but we can't look away, either.

Q. Isn't that a bit harsh?

A. Yes. It's unfair to Anna Nicole. After all, she did not turn a memorial service for Sen. Paul Wellstone into a tawdry political pep rally, after sanctimoniously scolding Republicans for daring to bring up politics and issues so soon after he died.

Q. So why don't Republicans bait and switch?

A. Because as usual, they are shooting spit wads while the Democrats are dropping daisy cutters.

A mandate for bland

Q. What's the most important race?

A. The battle to elect Maureen O'Conner and Eve Stratton to keep trial lawyers from hijacking the Ohio Supreme Court.

Q. Will Gov. Taft win?

A. He will win a mandate for mediocrity.

Q. Let's talk about issues.

A. That's what the losers always say.

Q. No, I mean issues on the ballot. What about drugs, campaign money and light rail?

A. Answer Man thinks it will take a lot more drugs and campaign money to pass light rail. If they ever get around to tearing up the streets to build that railroad, voters will slap their heads with both hands, wondering why they ever approved a tax-hike for more orange barrels. Besides, Cincinnati will never pass another sales tax while the Bengals are still stinking up the last one.

Q. What about campaign finance?

A. Three words: Jim Condit Jr. Who wants taxes to finance a candidate whose radio ads for his independent campaign against Rep. Rob Portman say, "Many suspect 9-11 was an inside job, pulled off most likely by well-placed pro-Israeli operatives within our own government"? Public finance could force taxpayers to subsidize boycotters who run for city council.

Q. How about drugs?

A. Whaddya have?

Q. No, what about Issue 1 to give drug users treatment instead if jail time?

A. Voters aren't going to spend $250 million on drug treatment. This state can't even afford a real superhero. That's why you're stuck with Answer Man.

Now Answer Man needs to find a phone booth. They don't call these things tights for nothin'.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.