Looks like I need to go back to high school for some remedial evolution. Some readers think my biological clock is stuck on slime time.

I recently insisted that I am not a cousin of kelp and suggested that when it comes to the origin of life, it can't hurt to let students hear alternatives to the evolution theory that we have monkeys in our family tree.

Darwin's disciples were outraged.

Many objected to the quote I used from Stephen J. Gould.

"The Dr. Stephen J. Gould quote grossly misrepresented his beliefs concerning evolution," wrote Dan Bohlen. "Yes, he disagreed with Darwin about the GRADUAL change of species over time. He thought great leaps of changes occur. ... He was NOT defending creationism."

Scientific heresy

Dr. Gould is a secular saint of evolution. I blasphemed mightily.

But explanations of Dr. Gould's theory of "punctuated equilibrium," or sudden change from one species to another, sound like intellectual duct tape and paper clips.

The way I understand it, if you put a goldfish in a jar and shake it hard enough, you get a beagle? I'm confused. But maybe that's why I got a D in high school chemistry.

Or maybe it was because I was snoozing through biology, as several other readers said before punctuating my equilibrium with sophisticated scientific terms such as "ignorant" and "stupid."

I really appreciated all the lectures. But they were about as enlightening as a dead battery. Half insisted I was ignoramusly wrong to say evolution is just a theory, because it's a genyoowine fact. The other half said, "Of course it's a theory, you nitwit."

If they can't agree, why should I buy their gospel on the origin of life?

Where's the manfish?

"They want us so desperately to believe that we evolved from seaweed or a germ," Jim Gross wrote. "Aren't scientists supposed to be in favor of asking the question `why' or `why not'? Instead, we are told that `the facts are in' and `don't question our authority.' Well I have a question. I want to know where are the skeletons are of the man-fish or finned monkey and where are they stored?"

Barry Novak fired back, "Using that old, tired argument about evolution being `just a theory' shows that you never paid attention in science class. The everyday use of the word `theory' bears no resemblance to the scientific use of it. A scientific theory is built by testing and refining hypotheses until the vast majority of scientists in a field agree about it. It's one step short of a scientific law. The germ theory of disease is just a theory, right? Would you rather believe that illness is still caused by an imbalance in humours?''

OK, I confess. I don't have a Ph.D. in geology, biology or even ditch-diggerology. I thought DNA meant Does Not Apply.

But I read a lot. And both sides make good arguments. But only the evolutionists insist there should be no debate.

Ohio should teach students that there are reputable scientists and scholars on both sides.

And I'm evolving as fast as I can.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.