By Shauna Scott Rhone
The Cincinnati Enquirer

Academic pressures. Insults from classmates. Unpredictable hormone surges. The uncertainty of approaching adulthood.

Those are among the challenges a group of area teens told the Enquirer they wrestle with each day.

And they're not alone.

Issues related to self-esteem and stress are a big part of life for most teen-agers. Happiness and success in school and the rest of life will come easier to teenagers who possess a positive self-image, supported by the adults in their lives, say teen behavior experts.

Says 18-year-old Stacy Tolos of Montgomery: "All these extracurriculars, all these sports, it's really hard to balance it all. And a lot of kids just have problems, and they get real stressed, and some just don't know how to cope with it."

Says 16-year-old Gretchen Bloomstrom of Montgomery: "Now it's more normal to be incredibly busy and incredibly stressed. . . ."

ABOUT THIS SERIES

What do teens say about issues many parents may be reluctant to talk to them about? Today is the third in a series on what teens think parents should know about sex, drugs, self-esteem, violence and stress: • Monday: SEX • Tuesday: DRUGS

TIPS FOR PARENTS

A recent study on teenagers and mental health includes advice for parents to help bolster their teen's emotional well-being and enhance self-esteem: • Promote positive self-esteem by promoting positive self-concepts in academic and social realms. • Promote achievement in specific areas of youth's life (e.g., academics, athletics). • Promote parenting strategies that involve supporting youth's autonomy. • Promote parenting strategies that include being supportive and having open communication with youth. • Promote teaching practices that include support for youth autonomy. • Implement school policies that promote autonomy. Source: Promoting Positive Mental and Emotional Health in Teens, a study by Child Trends Research, September 2002

IF YOU GO

This series, "Talking with Teens," addresses the need for parents and their teens to talk more about tough issues, and a Northern Kentucky conference on Saturday will take up hands-on examples of how to become a better parent. Workshops and speakers will offer practical advice at the fourth annual For the Love of Kids parenting conference. Chicken Soup book series author Mark Victor Hansen is the morning keynote speaker. Madelyn Swift, author of Teach Your Children Well: A Parent's Guide to Encouraging Character and Integrity (Childright; $21.95), is the afternoon keynote speaker. Topics include Avoiding the Chores Wars, How to Dad, Raising Your Spirited Child, Ride Safely, Siblings Without Rivalry, Simplify Your Family Life and Your Marriage Matters. Admission, $25 per person, includes continental breakfast, lunch, refreshments and a gift bag. Reservations are required. Call 241-7696. What: For the Love of Kids parenting conference When: 9 a.m.-4 p.m. Saturday Where: Northern Kentucky Convention Center in Covington How much: $25 registration fee More info: 241-7696, www.beech-acres.org

Brittany Bagent of Symmes Township, 17, agrees. "The competition these days is so much higher now, with college acceptance and just competition within the high school. There are so many things going on in our lives. We have school and sports. We have jobs and friends and all these different things to balance."

The girls in this group were more willing to talk about how self-esteem issues affect them personally.

"Girls worry about everything," says Sasha Appatova, 15. "We wake up in the morning and worry about how we look, how we're dressed, how much we weigh. We pretend like we don't care, but we do. So yeah, we have a lot more to worry about than they (guys) do."

Nate Kennedy, 15, of Montgomery, sometimes discusses issues that relate to self-esteem with friends before going to his parents.

"My situation, I spend more time with my friends than I do with my actual family because I'm at school all the time. Even on weekends, I'm at school. So, not that I necessarily know them better, but I'm more comfortable with them because they know me more than my parents probably do.

"I go to my parents when I have very important stuff, but not when, just giving out my feelings about something common with other kids my age."

His general advice for parents: "Let us live our lives, but lead us along the way."

Chase Jones, 17, of Symmes Township, agrees and says guys are less inclined to bring up such issues with their parents.

". . . We go mostly to our friends, and they'll help us out, because they can understand what we're going through better. Guys don't really show it. I'm not saying that girls have more stress and guys don't. I think we're probably equal, it's just that we don't express it as much. We kind of just keep it up. It's kind of a guy thing to do, to act cool and easy."

Parents' role significant

"Parents are very important to your level of self-esteem," says Live Oaks Career Development student Crystal Williams, 17, of Owensville. "They can make it or break it."

The findings of a recent study by the research group Child Trends reinforces the importance of the role played by parents. Teenagers with high self-esteem, the study shows, generally have parents with high self-esteem.

"Not surprisingly," the study concludes, "how teens are parented and the emotional well-being of their parents play roles in teens' emotional well-being."

"My mom is very important to my self-esteem," says Angela Parlier, 17, of Amelia, "because we are close enough that our opinions matter to each other. My mom never tries to make my decisions for me, she just always encourages me to do what I believe in. Without my mom, I would not have the strength that I do today."

During the teen years, despite their protests to the contrary, teens need their parents as much as ever. Studies show positive reinforcement and more engaged parenting results in children delaying or completely avoiding negative behaviors such as ill-advised sexual activity and drug use.

"Parents have the most powerful influence on a teen's life," says Dr. Russ Radenhausen, Director of Substance Abuse Services at NorthKey Community Care, a health care agency in Covington. "If they don't have that communication established, they're missing the most important thing."

When a teen's self-esteem hits rock bottom, the most tragic result is suicide. According to the Centers for Disease Control, in 1999, 20 percent of U.S. high school students reported having seriously considered or attempted suicide during the previous 12 months. Eight percent of students who seriously considered suicide actually attempted suicide.

"Family connectiveness is a protective factor against suicide," says Cathy Strunk, the Suicide Prevention Liaison for Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center. Ms. Strunk travels to several Greater Cincinnati high schools listening to teens and talking about life crises that lead to depression. She encourages parents to get closer to their children.

"The more involved (parents) are," she says, "the more protected their children feel. Low self-esteem can be a sign of depression. More kids are telling me they're depressed. Most times, it's from the parents who project a negative inner critical voice" that kids internalize.

Some teens tell Ms. Strunk their parents don't listen to them when they say things about feeling sad or unloved.

"They don't want to believe their child's depression," she says. "Kids have secrets" that parents need to be aware of.

"My parents talk to me about different things that are going in my life," says Live Oaks Career Development student Michelle Timmers, 17, of Mariemont, "and they always encourage me to do my best."

"Parents need to start an active dialogue with their kids," says Keith King, assistant professor of health promotion and education at the University of Cincinnati. But parents should not be "preachy. You have to actively listen to what a child has to say. Instead of being confrontational, listen with compassion. Call and leave notes of encouragement. Ask 'How was the test?' and really show interest. Those are small steps that go a long way" toward letting your teen know you care.

"It's never too late to start."

The other side

The flip-side of low self-esteem, thinking too much of oneself, can lead to narcissism, a self-centered outlook on life where everything is "all about me."

A study released in September by the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research (ISR) warns teens against being over-competitive and self-absorbed at the risk of alienating friends and family.

"The pursuit of self-esteem can ultimately be self-destructive and may be costly to others as well," says Jennifer Crocker, an ISR psychologist.

"My research shows that when you make your self-esteem contingent on something other than your basic value as a human being, it's not a good thing, even if the source of your self-esteem is something as praiseworthy as getting good grades."