By Mike Pulfer
The Cincinnati Enquirer

Question: "In America, we sit on the left to drive. The pilot of an airplane sits on the left. Why, then, do pilots of helicopters sit on the right?"

Answer: We thought we had an explanation for this one, but then we learned that not all helicopter pilots are Republicans. In fact, not all of them fly on the right.

"If three people can sit in the front seat, the 'copter is flown from the left side so the passengers don't get in the way of the controls," explains John Phillips, local traffic reporter and pilot. "When only two can sit in front, many use the right side.

"I'd rather have the stuff out of the way of people who don't know not to touch it," he said. "It's scary enough when I touch it.

"Many helicopters that are flown from the wrong side are made in France," he says.

Mr. Phillips, who flies a U.S.-made helicopter, sits on the left. "The (Hamilton County) sheriff's pilot sits on the left side (and), the helicopters flown on (TV series) M*A*S*H are lefties," he said.

While helicopter pilots use both hands and their feet, "The right-hand control is more protected, as it sits between your legs," Mr. Phillips says. "The left hand control is next to you, where someone could more easily interfere with it."

And then there are the foot pedals.

"I don't usually have a passenger with me, but it has happened that someone thought those tail rotor pedals on the passenger side were a foot rest," Mr. Phillips said

"The foot pedals control how much air the tail rotor eats. The tail rotor steers when you are hovering and counteracts the torque of the main rotor. Imagine you were standing on marbles and swung a bat at a ball. The bat would go one way and you would go the other.

"The helicopter wants to go the opposite way of the rotor, so the blades in the back hold the copter still underneath. The more or less torque you use, the harder or easier it is for the tail rotor.

"The right hand control is how you steer. If you think of the rotor as a Frisbee, consider that the right-hand control, the cyclic, tilts the Frisbee and the helicopter follows in that direction.

"The left hand control does two things. It has the accelerator grip, like a motorcycle, and it changes the amount of air the main rotor eats to go faster or slower; up or down."

Got it. The Stupid staff is ready to fly. Or not.

If you have a stupid question, send it to Ask a Stupid Question, Cincinnati Enquirer, 312 Elm St., Cincinnati, OH 45202; fax: 768-8330; e-mail: mpulfer@enquirer.com.