What do you call an agreement that nobody agrees about? What do you call a lawsuit settlement that settles nothing? What do you call a plan for more accountability that gives the keys to our police department to lawyers in Washington?

City Hall calls it expensive. Embarrassing. A swamp of litigation infested with hungry alligators that charge $250 an hour to gnaw off your legs.

The "historic collaborative" to end racial profiling looks more like a hysteric confederation of shakedown artists.

City council members are having more second thoughts than a circus fat man on a trapeze. They were warned there's no net. But they shut their eyes and jumped anyway.

"There was a tidal wave of political correctness that swept over council, engulfing everyone in its path," said former councilman Phil Heimlich. "Our city attorneys, as was often the case, allowed themselves to be bullied by members of council into keeping quiet about the weakness of the case against the city."

No questions allowed

Before he left council to win a seat as a Hamilton County commissioner, Mr. Heimlich raised stiletto-pointed questions about the deal. He was scolded by the mayor and other council members for being too divisive. He was told to sit down and be quiet.

Council was desperate to appease the rioters and the Black United Front. "The way the winds were blowing, whenever the Rev. Damon Lynch III walked in, he got what he wanted," Mr. Heimlich recalls.

The "settlement" did not settle a single racial profiling lawsuit. City lawyers still have to litigate those cases.

The city caved in to accusations of racial profiling that were never proved. The lead case was ridiculously flimsy.

City Hall surrendered to a class-action lawsuit that did not even meet the legal definitions of a class action.

It agreed to "collaborate" with parties whose idea of teamwork is to boycott the city, smear the police and tear up the "historic" agreement at City Hall.

A job for Superman

Control over law enforcement was handed over to a federal judge. The judge gets to call the shots, the plaintiffs get to make demands - and the city gets to pay all the bills. What a deal.

Two years later, city taxpayers are paying millions to lawyers and consultants, with no visible results, while the city runs "Help Wanted" ads for a new baby sitter to police the police.

As long as we're all laughing about it, I have a few nominations for a new million-dollar monitor:

Ohio Gov. Bob Taft, R-Vanilla. He never offends anyone.

If Gov. Taft declines, let's try his losing opponent, Tim Hagan. He's good at poking protesters in the chest and telling them they are full of barnyard bushwa.

Bob Huggins. Just the threat of having Hugs go off would encourage teamwork.

University of Cincinnati President Joseph Steger. If we're paying him $250,000 a year to retire, why not get our money's worth?

Ohio Supreme Court Justice Andy Douglas. The "Robed Marauder" who wrestled with another justice is just the guy to bring healing to Cincinnati. Suuuure.

Jimmy Carter. His Nobel Peace Prize-winning failures in the Middle East and North Korea are nothing compared to what he could do to Cincinnati. When he's done, the boycotters will have nuclear weapons.

The plaintiffs. Why don't we just give $1 million each to the ACLU and the Black United Front and send them to monitor Taliban prisoners in Cuba for a few years.

Now that's a good deal.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.