Finally, now I get it. I've figured out that complicated slide-rule BCS matrix to determine which college football team wins the national championship.

It's simple: BCS stands for Burning Car Statistic.

Just count the burning cars after the games to determine which team is going to the championship game.

Columbus had nine burning cars last weekend not including another 11 that were flipped or damaged, according to news reports.

Yahoo. Buckeyes win.

By comparison, Ann Arbor had zero burning cars. Obviously, the University of Michigan lost. You just can't be a winner with an apathetic attitude like that.

When Michigan State University lost in the NCAA basketball finals to Duke in 1999, the students made a bonfire out of couches and beer kegs that was visible from the Space Station Mir. Sure enough, the next year they won it all. Now that's 100-proof school spirit.

No. 1 Miami probably will incinerate an entire Ford dealership if they beat the Buckeyes in the Fiesta Bowl National Championship Greatest And Most Important Game of the Century This Year.

It's obvious even brawling coaches and players at Ohio's Miami University and University of Cincinnati need an outlet for their bottled-up sports rage.

Drink till you drop

So why not add car burning as another NCAA sport? There are plenty of schools that can't beat the Buckeyes on a football field, but any untalented nitwits can flip Pontiacs or torch Toyotas. Where's the trophy for their self-esteem? The best car burners could go "pro'' and be drafted by European soccer teams or the globalism lunatics who battle injustice by breaking windows at Starbucks.

Besides, students need something to replace their NCAA drinking contests, or there soon will be no booze left for the rest of us. I went to an Ohio State game last year, and I got sailor-drunk on just the fumes from the student parties. They were lit like all the neon in Las Vegas. They were toasted like marshmallows that fell into a burning car. They were drunk beyond recognition. Some were already passed out or yawning in technicolor while tailgate amateurs were still stretching their elbows to warm up.

But it's not just the drinking. It's also the insanity. Let's face it: Some sports fans have completely lost their grip on the goalposts.

Those privileged middle-class suburban white kids at Ohio State are no better than the "wilding'' black kids who scared the pretzels out of downtown Cincinnati at the Black Family Reunion.

But when Cincinnati went on a rampage it was called a riot. When college students tore up Columbus last weekend, it was called "a disturbance.'' A new "pastime following big sports victories.'' It was called "rowdy.''

Nitwit profiling

And even if they do it again after the next Big Game, Columbus will not get stuck with some costly "collaborative'' agreement to end "drunk nitwit profiling.''

What's up with that? I say a riot's a riot. Bring on the beanbags and pepper spray.

But what do I know. I used to think it was pretty outrageous to tear down goal posts and fight with cops over a football game.

Talk about senseless. In my day, we never fought with cops without a good reason, such as getting out of Vietnam. When we fought over the draft, we weren't talking about beer.

No, we had principles. The same kind we apparently passed on to a new generation of beer-saturated "rowdy'' rioters who have no respect for authority.

We can measure it with the Burning Car Statistic.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.