"The black Mercedes was gaining fast in the rearview mirror of my Aston Martin, and the submachine gun fire was closer than gin and vermouth in a dry martini - shaken, not stirred. I calmly deployed the bulletproof shield and triggered an oil slick that sent the Mercedes spinning off a convenient cliff in a slow-motion, spectacularly explosive ball of fire. As usual.

`"If you can't stand the heat ... ' I quipped. But before I could finish my witty play on words, a second black Mercedes packed with sinister thugs in raincoats took its place. I attempted to use the smoke screen and rear-mounted rocket launcher. NOTHING HAPPENED. All I had on my weapons menu was a blinking light that said "SYST ERROR.'' Can you tell me what this means? The instructions are in German. Please hurry. - Agent 004.''

Here's another partially scorched memo recovered from a bullet-riddled Aston Martin, addressed to "Her Majesty's Secret Service, For Your Eyes Only, From Russia With Love.''

"Dear Q: My husband, Agent 002.8, tried to warm his tea with the flamethrower fountain pen you gave him, as demonstrated by you in Dr. No. Try "Dr. Yes.'' He is now in the hospital undergoing burn treatments and my kitchen is rather a mess. Our barrister says we have a substantial liability claim.''

Here's another:

"Attention Q: The satellite navigation system you gave me shorted out in a torrential downpour, and I am unable to find AA batteries or ANYTHING ELSE here in the rain forest. I'm losing my cool. -- Agent 006, somewhere in Paraguay, I think.''

These are the secret imaginary files of the fictional Agent 007 - Bond, James Bond. They provide a shocking and disturbing look behind the scenes at the sacrifices made by agents 001 through 006.99, and the technical support they relied on, often with tragic results.

Letters to FAQ, or "Q'' for short, include this one from Agent 003: "For Your Eyes and yadda-yadda: You can take this exploding briefcase and shove it where the sun will never set on the British Empire (find briefcase remains enclosed in plastic sandwich bag). I never did get the clock to stop blinking `12:00,' but it's not blinking now. It blew up my garage and my new government-issue Jagyooar. I'm just lucky my jet scooter was back from the repair shop, or my wife would have killed me. She's still not over that unfortunate episode with the .50 cal. salad fork. P.S. - Please rush production of that invisible suit. I need a place to hide.''

Unfortunately, the invisible suit was a failure and the test pilot who tried it on, Agent 005, is still missing. Many of the futuristic gadgets that were used in old James Bond movies are now on sale at Big Lots. A recent story in the San Francisco Chronicle says, "Bond's top-secret toys from the 1960s and 1970s include a bargain bin's worth of bulky pagers, photocopiers and other technology that can now be purchased at discount.''

But as many of us discovered this Christmas, there's a big difference. In the Bond movies, the gadgets actually work at the press of a button, without hours of online technical support and instruction manuals that require a degree in electrical engineering. Or so it appeared.

Now the truth is out. In fact, hundreds of agents and gadget-tester geeks gave their limbs and lives to make James Bond look suave.

And despite all the gadgets and movies, we are still at the mercy of an evil genius who is enslaving the world with sinister computer devices that drive men and women insane.

Gates, Bill Gates.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.