The biggest health hazard in Cincinnati is:

A. Lead poisoning from flying bullets.

B. Heart attack from eating a dozen three-ways washed down with a quart of Frisch's tartar sauce.

C. Christmas trees.

If you answered "C," you might want to consider a career at City Hall as one of six "litter and weed officers" who keep Cincinnati safe from the health hazards of abandoned Christmas trees. No kidding.

Richard Cook of Westwood found out about the Litter Police the hard way. He put his Christmas tree on the curb on trash day Jan. 13 but it was not picked up. Two days later, he got a $100 ticket from the Cincinnati Health Department.

They have pictures

"It says it's nonnegotiable," Cook said. "I can appeal, but it says this ticket doesn't qualify for fine reduction."

And there's no use arguing. The Christmas tree cop took a photo of his illegal evergreen at the curb. And city records showed they returned to the scene of the crime seven days later to make sure it was gone. Busted.

Cook wrote to Mayor Charlie Luken, Rep. Steve Chabot and "anybody I can think of," he said. (His letter is in Readers' Views today.)

"What really frosts my cookie is that I called 911 in December, and the police never showed up."

Some teens were throwing chunks of ice at cars and hit Cook's windshield, so he reported it. "We were told they would send someone out. We waited 40 minutes, and the police never showed up."

On Christmas Eve, his daughter's car was broken into in his driveway. "I called the police, and after 30 minutes they called back to say: `We can't come out for something like this, but you can call in a report.'

"I got a problem with that," he said. "Where in the hell are the priorities in this town? We're paying someone to drive around and take pictures of litter, and we can't send a cop when you call 911? This is just ludicrous."

Ludicrous might be an understatement.

Don't get him started

City rules say Christmas trees are litter, and litter is a health hazard, said Bill Jacoby, supervisor of the Cincinnati Health Department Litter Control Unit.

But Cook did not even deserve a ticket, Jacoby said. According to the official Division of Neighborhood Operations 2002 Holiday Schedule he checked, Mr. Cook's tree should have been picked up the first day it was left at the curb.

"It should have been picked up on the 13th, from the information I have," Jacoby said. He urged Cook to file a protest. "Absolutely, that's what I would do."

I think that's what Cook will do, too. He might file several protests. He's just warming up.

He says his property taxes just went up 13 percent. He's sick of rising crime. And he's tired of the "mentality of the tail wagging the dog at City Hall."

"I've been here since 1974," he said. "I'm building a house in Northern Kentucky, and I can't wait to get out of this town."

The biggest hazard to Cincinnati's health might be City Hall.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.