By John Kiesewetter
The Cincinnati Enquirer

February sweeps is history after tonight, and we don't mean the start of reruns.

This month will be remembered for a sea change in network TV, when unscripted "reality" series dominated the dial as never before. It's been unreal. Unprecedented.

Weren't watching that closely? Then here is everything you need to know about February sweeps from A to Z, from American Idol to Zora:

American Idol's judges Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul.

A is for American Idol, which has proven it wasn't a summer fluke. The vocal competition - and nasty comments by judge Simon Cowell - have given Fox two Top 5 shows this season: Wednesday's show announcing winners is No. 3, and Tuesday's competition is No. 5.

B is for breasts, Butter and biscuits. On ABC's cheesy new Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People - essentially American Idol without singing - judge Randolph Duke asked a blonde bursting out of her bikini top: "Tell me about the twins, are they real?" (They weren't.) A few minutes later, Duke, a dress designer, chastised a woman named Butter for failing to fill out her swimsuit. "You've got the Butter," he said, "but you don't have the biscuits, baby."

Trista and Ryan

C is for Charlie, the 28-year-old California salesman one rose away from winning the heart of The Bachelorette. But Trista chose Ryan, the poetry-writing firefighter from Colorado. Sorry, Charlie.

D is for Dr. Phil McGraw, who was David Letterman's featured guest on Feb. 17, when Dave beat Jay Leno's Tonight Show for the first time in three years. CBS' Late Show hadn't done that since Dave returned from heart surgery on Feb. 21, 2000.

E is for ER, which was TV's top-rated drama until being surpassed by CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, the No. 1 show this season. The bleeding hasn't stopped at ER, which has fallen to No. 8 this year.

F is for five, the number of reality shows in the Top 10 Nielsen rankings for this season: American Idol (No. 3, 5), Joe Millionaire (No. 4), Survivor: The Amazon (No. 6) and Survivor: Thailand (No. 7). By contrast, only four new scripted series from the fall season make the Top 30: CSI: Miami (No. 12), Without A Trace (No. 17), Still Standing (No. 20) - all from CBS - and NBC's Good Morning Miami (No. 29).

Dr. Phil McGraw

G is for Gross. Millions have been mesmerized by the gross-out stunts of Fear Factor, NBC's low-budget reality series at 8 p.m. Monday. It's like being unable to look away from a horrible car wreck when Fear Factor contestants are pierced with long needles or eat stinking cheese covered with maggots. TV will continue to be gross as long as enough of us Gawk.

H is for Helene Eksterowicz, last seen during November sweeps being proposed to by The Bachelor, Aaron Buerge - until she returned to ABC last week to reveal that Buerge broke up with her at a New Jersey Starbucks. So despite the big ratings, ABC's The Bachelor franchise is 0-for-2 in finding true love. Doesn't bode well for Trista and Ryan, does it?

I is for I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here!, ABC's 15-night reality series in an Australian rain forest continuing through next Wednesday. Ratings have been down under NBC and CBS - but higher than ABC's dismal track record most nights, which means that Get Me Out Of Here! will be back.

J is for Joe Millionaire, a k a Evan Marriott. Hunk or skunk, viewers didn't care that Marriott, a California construction worker, made only $19,000 last year, and didn't inherit $50 million. The girls couldn't cash in, but Fox did - averaging almost 20 million viewers a week.

K is for Kingpin, NBC's six-hour sweeps' miniseries about a Mexican-American drug dealer, which bombed in the ratings. So don't be surprised in May and November sweeps if NBC relies on more cheap, quick ratings highs from reality shows, which one TV programmer has called "like crack for network executives."

L is for Lorenzo Lamas, the former Falcon Crest and Renegade star who has re-invented himself as a Simon Cowell wannabe. He's the Are You Hot? judge who uses a green laser pointer to highlight flabby abs and knobby knees. He calls it his Flaw Finder.

M is for Michael Jackson, who had more airtime (dare we say "face time?") in February than NBC's Kingpin. ABC devoted six hours to Jackson, while Fox did a two-hour response to the ABC show (produced by Jackson's representatives) and NBC aired a two-hour Dateline NBC special. He hasn't had a hit song in years, so who knew Michael Jackson could still draw a crowd?

N is for Norah Jones, the sweetheart of the 45th Annual Grammy Awards, and for New Night. While Jones won five Grammys, CBS won big by moving the awards from Wednesday to Sunday. Ratings for all viewers increased by 31 percent from last year, as an estimated 55 million people watched all or part of the telecast.

O is for the Olympics, which won February sweeps for NBC a year ago. Oh, how we long for those days when February was filled with true athletic competition, not the crazy junk we've seen on TV this month. I mean real sports, like skiing long distances and shooting a rifle; leaping off a snow-covered mountain with two thin skis strapped to your feet; or sliding down an icy track feet-first on your back.

P is for The Practice, which should sue ABC for gross neglect. The award-winning legal drama lost so many viewers after moving from Sunday to 9 p.m. Mondays after the Super Bowl that ABC scrapped its Monday dramas for reruns of Michael Jackson and The Bachelorette. The Practice has lost 1.6 million viewers from last season, dropping from No. 30 to No. 48 this year. If ABC cancels the troubled drama, charges should be upgraded to murder.

Q is for Queens Surpreme, the Oliver Platt legal drama pulled by CBS before sweeps, after only three telecasts. With CBS' Star Search drawing nearly twice as many viewers, don't expect to see this one again.

R is for Ross and Rachel, baby Emma's parents on Friends, who didn't hook up again in sweeps. With Friends renewed for another year, it looks like producers will keep them apart until the finale in May 2004.

S is for Sam Seaborn, who leaves The West Wing today (9 p.m., Channels 5, 22). Reality TV shows have overshadowed the departure of Rob Lowe, the Dayton native who announced last July he was leaving the Emmy-winning drama (and his best role) in a pay dispute.

T is for the Tambaqui tribe, Survivor's first all-male camp. The granddaddy of TV's reality series premiered Feb. 13 with huge ratings for the battle of the sexes on Survivor: The Amazon. After two weeks, the teams are even - one man and one woman has been voted out of each tribe.

U is for Unscripted. Unprecedented. Unbelievable. Unemployed writers and actors. Unhappy viewers. Unsatiated. It's up to U.

V is for Vertitas: The Quest, another midseason scripted series that failed to lure enough viewers to 8 p.m. Monday on ABC. In its quest for bigger ratings, ABC pulled Veritas for I'm A Celebrity this week and next.

W is for When? When will we come to our senses? When will we ever lose our appetite for reality TV, and our obsession with Michael Jackson's nose?

Zora Andrich

X is where you fill in the blank. You try to predict the next trend in reality TV.

Y is for Yancey Arias, who appeared on network TV for six hours this month. If you say "Yancey who?," then you understand the networks' problems in launching scripted series in the current TV climate. Yancey Arias was NBC's drug Kingpin.

Z is for Zora Andrich, who won Evan Marriott's heart on Joe Millionaire. She blinked, but didn't balk at his proposal after learning he didn't have $50 million, or even $50,000. Hey, if things don't work out for them, maybe she could find a mate on Fox's Married by America reality show starting Monday.

E-mail jkiesewetter@enquirer.com