I lost my patience under 2 feet of snow the other day. My last feeble February smile froze and shattered while I was shoveling out the driveway for the eleventy-seventh time this year. The broken pieces looked like precious rock salt.

Remember the good old days in January when we actually had some rock salt to spread, so we wouldn't have to freak dance down the sidewalk to get the morning paper?

It's so cold even the hot air at City Hall feels as chilly as a Sports Illustrated swimsuit. It's so cold, I saw Gov. Bob Tax with his hands in his own pockets.

Oxymoron: indoor golf

I'm beginning to notice the first dangerous symptoms of cabin fever. I caught myself daydreaming about mowing the lawn and doing yard work. The other day I wondered, "Just how much damage can a 4-iron do to a ceiling, anyway? So what if I take a full swing - it's only drywall.'' The other night I was so desperate, I nearly watched Saddam pretending to tell the truth while Dan Rather pretended to believe him.

(I think the part that Iraq edited out went something like this:

Rather: "That's a great portrait of Hitler over your desk.''

Saddam: "I painted it myself while I built this palace, right after I single-handedly defeated the mother of all infidels in my victory over the great Satan United States.''

Rather: "Can I get your forwarding address in hell?''

Saddam: "Actually, I will be living in France.''

Rather: "Same thing.'')

As you can see, anyone who can imagine Dan Rather making such an insensitive insult to the residents of hell is beyond help. I admit it.

Magazine pictures of sun-baked beaches in tropical paradise make me break down and cry like a tree-hugger at a sawmill.

It's global warming

And my theory is that it's all because of that global warming thing.

I know, I know - blaming a few days or even a month of unusually bad weather on long-term climate changes that are measured in centuries is like studying a glacier by dissecting one ice cube. It's like blaming all of France for one limp, oily French fry. (Although in the case of France, you would be right.)

But every summer when we have a hot day in August, some Chicken Little anchorman tells us the heat wave is caused by global warming.

So where are all the globaloney reports in January and February? Do the "experts'' on global warming hibernate in the winter like salamanders in mud?

I'd like them to crawl out from under their rocks and explain why Florida was so cold this winter the alligators are not eating turtlenecks - they're wearing them.

I'd like to know why southern Ohio looks like a UFL (unidentified frozen leftovers) you find while defrosting the freezer.

If I wanted to live like a human laundry basket under 14 layers of coats and sweaters, I'd move to Michigan.

I'd say spring is on the way, but I can't find my optimism under all the snow. I think it fell into a pothole the size of Detroit.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.