By Shauna Scott Rhone
The Cincinnati Enquirer

Nolte

Nearly 50 years ago, family life educator Dorothy Law Nolte wrote a little poem she thought would be a comfort to parents. "Children Learn What They Live" makes the point that children learn life lessons by example, not by lectures.

Years later, baby formula maker Ross Laboratories made it into a poster and circulated it nationwide. The poster (whose poem begins, "If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn") is printed in more than 30 languages; its companion book is available in 10 languages.

An updated version, "Teenagers Learn What They Live," is now available, along with a book with the same title (Workman Publishing; $9.95). The book was written with Rachel Harris, a psychotherapist.

Nolte says it was time to address the relationship between teens and parents.

"The children's poem was more simple," says Nolte. "Teenagers are a little more complicated. If I knew parents read this book with their teens, I'd be thrilled."

She says growing up has changed a lot in 50 years.

"What has changed is the environment (young people) are in," says Nolte. "The computer, media, television in general, is what has made the biggest change in the lives of children.

"The challenge for parents is that their kids are exposed to different points of view they would not have even considered 10 years ago. Parents need to know what their kids are watching on TV, who their friends are, what's going on in school and to know when they are needed, when to stand by or when to step in."

She says today's faster pace also has changed the relationship.

"Some parents don't pay attention to what their kids need," says Nolte. "Lifestyles have shifted with Mom and Dad working, children as latchkey kids coming home when there's nobody there to greet them. Especially in the '90s, things have changed a lot. From that time on, there's been so much for teens to deal with.

"Parents are learning, too. It's like, `I'm a grownup and I've got it,' even when they really don't. The only way to help teenagers is to keep our lines of communication open. It is vital that we keep in touch with our kids. They might tell us where they're going, but we can't say we know for sure . . .," she says.

"Teens want parents who will not hold them in childhood or push them into adulthood. Teens want parents who will help them evaluate the past, plan for the future and help them do their best in the present."

Nolte says the main thing she wants parents to take away from the book is the importance of communication.

"Staying in touch with our kids is so important," she says. "We need to talk with them, hear their side. We need to avoid the lecturing more and listen more to our teens. Whatever their concern, be there for them.

"Accept our teens' mistakes, help them to make better choices. Provide fair rules and regulations for use within the home and away from the home and family.

"Parents have to live up to our promises. Let them see what you do, so they'll be able to make better decisions about what they would do. Respect them; show teens kindness and thoughtfulness in everyday living. Set the example for the whole family. Give your teens positive expectations and encourage them to do their best, be their best and be there for them when they need you."

She says teenagers will also benefit by reading the book.

"I think it will give them a greater appreciation of parenting," Nolte says. "They'll learn to be a little kinder and more considerate than before they read the book. Teens need to be comfortable enough to say `I need you,' or `I need to talk to you' and recognize when they need help."

E-mail srhone@enquirer.com