They want to fix me up for dates, overhaul my body and deliver free drugs to my door. They promise INCREDIBLE!!! financial opportunities.

Who are these slimy hucksters? The Federal Trade Commission says they're scam artists.

They're the same seedy hustlers and Miracle Elixir pushers who used to knock on doors to beg donations for the Home for Disabled Orphans of Psoriasis.

They're high-tech panhandlers whose street corner is an e-mail address. They're computer con artists who rely on the revised Law of P.T. Barnum: There's a sucker born every nanosecond - and most can't resist an e-mail that has the words "lonely'' and "housewives'' in the subject line.

The FTC Web site lists a "dirty dozen'' of scams "most likely to arrive via bulk e-mail.'' But even our humongous federal government can't keep up with spam that grows like zucchini fertilized with FREE VIAGRA!!

The Weekly Standard says spam costs $9 billion a year in lost productivity. World Magazine says that by December, half of all e-mail will be spam. (Half sounds like an improvement to me.)

From the dirty dozen:

• Phony business opportunities. Such as:

"I am MANPENSA DONDO, a financial intermediary for Mikky Kabila, the first son of the third wife of the late Congolese President, LAURENT KABILA. ... ''

Manpensa has $25 million he wants me to "hold'' for him. All I have to do is send my bank account numbers and - then he will have all of my money, too.

• Effortless income. Such as the "Amazing Opportunity'' for "passive income'' that tells about the mother who found $71,000 in her 15-year-old son's closet. "My first thought was he had robbed a bank,'' she says.

My first thought was the kid was probably working an e-mail scam with Mr. Dondo.

• Health and diet rip-offs. Such as this oily sales pitch:

"This is the Internet, it's tough to tell what is real and what is not; who to trust, and who is just trying to scam you. When I purchased my first bottle I was more than skeptical, but within 2 weeks I was very satisfied with the results. Within 2 months I was happier than I had ever been. This product added 3 inches . . .''

Trust me, he's not talking about his waistline. And yes, it is tough these days to tell what is real and what is not.

Such as the e-mail offering bachelor's, master's, MBA and Ph.D. degrees - with "no compulsory tests, classes or interviews required.''

Dang. And to think I wasted all that time and money actually studying to earn a college degree when I could "call now and receive your diploma within days!!!''

For the list of rip-offs, do a Google search on "email scams.'' To report porn and spam scams, notify uce@ftc.gov.

It's hard to believe anyone could fall for these hustles. But Jewish World Review reports that one top spammer sends 10 million a day. He gets hits on only about 50 each day, but at $39.99 each, he makes $700,000 a year.

He must be the guy who promised "$$$ BIG MONEY $$$'' from a "Personal Wealth Generating Compensation Plan.''

It's true. His plan generates "Free Cash!!!'' - for e-mail spam scammers.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.