I'm boycotting gondolas, villas and The Sopranos, Michelangelo, da Vinci. And spaghetti.

Anything Italian, really.

On Tuesday, the Boy I'm Smitten With deserted me to backpack around Italy. For three months.

Good for him; bad for me.

I'm in pain, people. But I will probably use this alone time to explore all things I've been meaning to check out for a while - like local museums, a Bengals game, Ault Park, the Little Miami Scenic Trail, Top Cats, the west side.

I know I'm not the only one in town feeling dejected and despondent. This is actually the same thing that happens with many Grease-esque relationships - by the time leaves start to wither and turn brown, so do some people's hearts.

Luckily, as summer-lovin' romance fizzles, another season heats up.

For others in search of fall fun - or for anyone in the same forlorn boat I'm in - I present to you my unofficial guide to soothing a broken heart in Cincinnati:

Tuesday nights at Hamburger Mary's - Not only do they show the fabulous TV show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but you can also laugh and be catty with a whole crew of fun people.

Club Clau on any night - The place is packed with the sleek and stylish set. So I can either be on the hunt for someone new, or I can wallow in misery by judging myself against all the beautiful people.

Wednesday nights at Tropicana (shirtless bartender night) - The beefy guys aren't necessarily my type ... but hey, eye candy is eye candy.

Wednesday nights at the Greenwich - Air out your journal at the live poetry readings.

Get lost in art - The 20/20 Festival is about to kick off, with 20 days and 20 nights of hot, hip artsy dance, music, theater and cuisine to keep me busy.

Gorge - I'm what you might call an emotional, "my-beloved-is-in-Italy" eater. So in the next three months, you can find me at Mullane's Parkside Cafe, Cumin, Beluga, Riverside Korean. Heck, I might just be at Kroger, passed out on the floor with some potato chip carnage.

Buy, buy, buy - Well, I'm going to need some saucy new clothes. And jewelry. And CDs from Shake It. If spending money is wrong, why does it feel so right?

Read - After all that eating and shopping, I'm going to need some free stuff. That's why libraries rock. Perhaps I'll pick up something light and cheerful, like Giving Up: The Last Days of Sylvia Plath.

Skulk - The Southgate House is dark. Smoky. Moody. Perfect. Now if only The Cure was touring.

Stargaze - Check out the night sky at the Cincinnati Observatory Center. After all, Mars over Porkopolis is the same Mars over Italy.

Bobby Mackey's bar - I've never been there, but I hear the place has a mechanical bull. I figure I might as well do physically what I've been through emotionally.

Be athletic - Sometimes I only feel better when I pretend I'm Angelina Jolie. At RockQuest Climbing Center in Sharonville, I can kick some boulder butt, Lara Croft-style.

Spend time with friends - A good friend brought over a "Boyfriend-Leaving Kit" the night my boy departed. The package consisted of chocolate, more chocolate and a six-pack of beer. Absolutely no Italian paraphernalia in sight.

Now that's amore.

E-mail mdowns@enquirer.com