You're bored, it's cold, the day of reckoning looms. You wonder: Who will lead us through this winter wonderland? Santa Claus or George W. Bush? Both wear boots. Both are jolly. Santa has tradition on his side, George has the family values thing. Santa looks terrific in fleecy red; George in an olive flight suit holding a turkey takes our breath away.

Santa's "Ho ho ho" inspires giggles, yet party faithful swoon at a presidential "God Bless America."

George is a conservative, devoted to conserving everything besides balanced budgets, wetlands, endangered species, jobs, unexploded bombs, privacy (policy meetings aside), the right to dissent, wilderness, relations with other countries, energy, peace and bipartisanship. Despite his old-fashioned image, Santa is fairly liberal, embracing children irrespective of race, gender, affiliation, or orientation.

Santa places presents under trees, George gives forests as presents. Santa delivers toy soldiers, George plays with real ones. Santa exceeds George at letter reading. However, though he prefers testing to the eyeball-to-paper drudge, George's handlers keep him informed of "major issues."

Santa earned his role through kindness and compassion. George earned his by saying he was compassionate, kind of.

Santa sees you when you're sleeping, knows when you're awake. George has The Patriot Act.

Neither embraces tighter regulations on chimneys, though Santa favors reduced emissions at least one night a year. Both have helpers. Santa's elves make toys and play hide-n-seek. Dick Cheney and the Petroleum Posse excel at secretive tinkering, as with the energy bill.

Santa's stronghold is the North Pole, with broad support among polar bears and caribou. Despite little hope of winning its electoral votes (his handlers haven't the heart to tell him the North Pole isn't a state), George has a plan. Though Operation Reindeer Game was pushed, he has settled for "Drill 'em and melt 'em." Oil exploration in ANWR shocks/awes local fauna, while global warming sends Santa's headquarters into the Arctic Ocean. Santa is held without charges at Guantanamo until he agrees to remove key GOP officials from the Bad Children list, though they lobby to keep the coal. Alaska Sen. Murkowski attaches a rider to annex the place, and it's the North G.O.Pole. And we voters are left with this: Who do we believe in?

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John Hutton of Mount Adams is a writer, bookstore owner and physician.

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