With the coming of a new year my thoughts travel back over the past year and rest on certain things that seem to have become more intrusive in our lives. Pretense seems to be one of those things.

As I was driving the other day, Jerry Thomas or Nick Clooney - I am not sure which - tried to sell me some property over the radio. He thought it was a great idea if I were to live at "The Reserve at Ruptured Duck." At least that is what I remember the name to be. What exactly is a "Reserve"? Do you live at it? Or in it? Or on it?

I am not quite sure what a "Reserve" is, but I am sure that at the "Reserve" will be many streets bearing somewhat embarrassing names. Names like: Trilling Pigeon Trace or Lazy Pussywillow Way. When I was a child, if I had told the guys at school that I lived on Trilling Pigeon Trace in the Reserve at Ruptured Duck, I would have had a black eye and a bloody nose before the end of recess.

There is a very good chance that The Reserve at Ruptured Duck is a "gated community." This is a fascinating concept. Those who favor this type of community seem to use as a prime rationale that their children are safe from the dangers of traffic. Everyone has to be in favor of making their children as safe as possible. So wouldn't it be wonderful if all us loving and worried parents went to the government and had them make all streets where children resided closed to through traffic? The accident rate would plummet. So what that business would grind to a halt and Mom wouldn't be able to get across town to the liquor store for her anti-rugrat medication?

In moving to The Reserve at Ruptured Duck, you would have to hire a truck. Now it used to be that there would be a company called "Bob's Truck Line." Well, in 2003 that company became "Precision Intermodal Logistics." I hope Bob is still there, but I doubt it. What happened to simplicity? Pretense happened.

You know, in moving to The Reserve at Ruptured Duck, I will have to leave my home parish. I asked the Ruptured Duck people about a parish near the Reserve and they said no problem. Old St. Al's is now within their property and they have changed the name. When someone tells you that you are now part of "The Faith Community of Slightly Confused Catholics on Trilling Pigeon Trace in the Reserve at Ruptured Duck Inc.," then is the time to consider worshiping the sun god Ra.

In 2004, let's consider keeping new and old pretense to a minimum.

Jim Mignerey of Hamilton is a salesman for a bingo and gambling supply company. He is active in community theater and collects books on London.

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