Look at John Dowlin and Pat DeWine - and try not to laugh.

They are both reasonable, responsible, respected conservatives, as safe as vanilla ice cream. But to hear them describe each other, you'd think they were Rocky Road - all nuts and marshmallows.

The challenger, Cincinnati Councilman DeWine, makes Dowlin sound like a narcoleptic spendaholic who is bankrupting the county when he's not sleeping through meetings or AWOL on business trips at taxpayer expense.

The incumbent, Hamilton County Commissioner Dowlin, makes DeWine sound like one of those City Hall psychos who will drive the sedate county Buick in a demolition derby if you hand him the keys.

Of course, they don't say these things directly. They let their press releases and foot soldiers do the talking.

It's all a bit rude and uncomfortable for the rest of Cincinnati's mannerly Republicans. They roll their eyes and try to avoid talking about it, because you never know who is wearing the war paint of the Dowlin tribe and who is tagging the DeWine gang's graffiti.

DeWine has a poll showing he leads 56 percent to 26 percent.

Dowlin says he has endorsements from 70 percent to 80 percent of the county wards.

DeWine taunts Dowlin for ducking debates.

Dowlin's aide Rob Fredericks says their campaign looks like it's top secret - because it is. "That's what we want it to be. No secrets get leaked, and the opposition has no idea how to respond and that's how we win.''

DeWine says the Dowlin ward endorsements are "a completely faked process,'' but, "there's no question he has a lot of support from insiders.''

Fredericks says DeWine is the pawn of the big-money "Fourth Street guys.''

So. It has come to this. Republicans accusing each other of being insiders. It's as weird as listening to Democrats accusing each other of harboring an irrational, seething hatred of anyone named Bush. Well, duh.

If we can avert our eyes from the accident scene of Republican freak-dancing politics, there are some real issues at stake in this March 2 election.

Such as taxes and suburbs.

DeWine has effectively painted Dowlin as a bill collector for big government because - he is. Although Dowlin courageously bucked the establishment to oppose stadium spending and cost overruns, he sometimes sounds more like government's voice to the people than the people's voice in government. His lame defense of an attempt to give County Administrator David Krings a $608,000 golden parachute is Exhibit A.

But the secret weapon for Dowlin is City Council. Just mentioning that DeWine is an inmate of the City Hall asylum gives voters the creeps - especially in the suburbs. For years, an unwritten law said the 'burbs were entitled to at least one commissioner. And for years, that commissioner has been Dowlin.

If DeWine wins, all three commissioners could be from the city - and all three could be escapees from City Hall.

I like and respect both candidates. It's hard to watch them busting a move, three steps behind the beat, doing the primary jerk.

But whoever wins will have learned to waltz with the suburbs and do the tax-cut limbo. Even Republicans can dance. They just need practice.

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E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.