"I'm not going back until it's been mentioned and suggested and printed and heard that I would be welcomed back," he said.

C'mon, man, you're 78 years old and more hated in Cleveland than Earnest Byner. That town welcoming you back is about as likely as Nickel Beer Night at Jacobs Field.

Course management

The New York Daily News reported on the three-hole golf course "scraped out of the rocky, barren desert" by 101st Airborne Division soldiers in the Iraqi desert. They called the course "TPC at Mosul" - named after the nearby village.

Think about that the next time you tap in for eight and contemplate Happy Gilmore-ing your putter into a water hazard.

Remember Pele?

Sierra Mist announced that Pele will join 14-year-old soccer phenom Freddy Adu in a new commercial for the beverage, raising the question: What do Americans care less about - soccer or Sierra Mist?

Taunting good taste

The NFL owners voted this week by a 31-1 margin to adopt a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty on two or more players engaging in "prolonged, excessive, premeditated or choreographed celebrations."

The one "nay" vote? Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis.

On an issue that boils down to shifting focus away from the game and to the individual, Al Davis stood in his silver jogging suit and $2,000 sunglasses and raised his gold-and-diamond-ringed hand in protest.

Few things on this planet are that perfect.

April fools

The Associated Press reported that two Evansville, Ind., disc jockeys apologized for an April Fool's prank that caused a scare for family members of New York Yankees hitting coach Don Mattingly.

When Mattingly's two younger sons arrived at school Thursday morning, while Don was in Japan with the Yankees, concerned classmates told them that WSTO morning show hosts Brad Booker and Diane Douglas were extending their on-air thoughts and prayers to the Mattingly family.

Apparently the wacky and zany duo was going to announce later that Mattingly had nicked himself shaving. Get it?