'Aloha' also means overachiever

The Austin American-Statesman reported this week on a 17-year-old Texas girl who, for her senior project, became the youngest man or woman to complete the Pailolo Channel swim in Hawaii. She endured eight jellyfish stings and finished the 9.1-mile trek in more than five hours. How does that stack up to the umbrella stand you made in shop class?

No cheese steaks for you

In a story about Eagles draft pick Shawn Andrews, the Philadelphia Daily News addressed the problem of overweight players in the NFL. When told of Andrews' assertion that nasal polyps contributed to his weight ballooning to 400 pounds toward the end of last season at Arkansas, Eagles head coach Andy Reid responded: "I know you put food in your mouth, not in your nose."

A season of uppers and downers

According to the Seattle Times, a team physician with the University of Washington softball team overmedicated players to the point that they were high on the field and in the dugout. One bench player reportedly "was on the ground, laughing, doing the backstroke" during a game.

The physician, referred to by players as "Dr. Feel Good" or "The Candy Man," was criticized by those outside the program. But the manager, apparently subscribing to the Morris Buttermaker theory of depressants in the dugout, continued to support him.

What's the worst that could happen?

On the possibility of a terrorist attack during the Olympics, Athens mayor Dora Bakoyianni had this to say in an Associated Press report: "Don't worry. Come to Greece. I think people will be really safe coming over."

Oh, in that case ...

Punishment fit for a King

Boxing promoter Don King was barred from doing business with New Jersey casinos for at least a year. The ban will keep him from exploiting a loophole that allows promoters to stage fights while their license applications are pending, something he has done four times in the past five years.

Why, that's unscrupulous, unwarranted, unsubstantiated, preposterous, petty and parsimonious. Call your local cable operator!

Ryan Ernst