Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Answerman in the know on Huggs, others

Click here to e-mail Peter Bronson
Answerman is faster than a speeding cicada and leaps logic at a single bound. But after three martinis he swerves all over the road just like anyone else - and the other night he got busted for DUI.

"Sir, will you remove the cape and step out of the car, please?" the cop said. "Have you been drinking?''

"No, sir,'' said Answerman. "Only tee martwonis.''

For the record: Answerman is a fictional, cartoon character. His lawyer said any resemblance to a real person who coaches UC basketball is purely coincidental. Besides, unlike Bob Huggins, Answerman wears red tights and answers questions.

Q. So what was your penalty for the DUI?

Answerman: I'm an imaginary character, so I got an imaginary sentence. They gave me a choice - I could spend the night in jail and get counseling, or they would show the police video of my stumbling, incoherent arrest on national TV.

Q. You chose a night in the slammer?

Answerman: Who wouldn't? Too bad coach Huggins didn't get the same choice. After showing that cruel and unusual cruiser-cam video, they might as well tattoo a red DUI on his forehead. Most people don't get that humiliated until they get to court.

Q. OK, so it's a shabby way to treat a guy who has done so much for Cincinnati. But what in the wide world of sports is fair these days?

Answerman: I was gonna say horse racing, but Smarty Jones can't even take the same drugs Barry Bonds is allowed to use. I'll get back to you on that one.

Q. Well, then, speaking of baseball, how about those Reds?

Answerman: I love baseball. It's the fans I can't stand. Where else but Cincinnati would it be a big problem to have your star player chasing the home-run record? The Reds are better than anyone expected - but lose a few games and it's the end of life on the baseball planet. The fans are bigger whiners than the Jack Nicholson Lakers.

Q. Let's save it for the sports section. This is a news column. How about that battle on the Cincinnati Public Schools Board?

Answerman: It's about time someone stood up to the teachers union. They promised merit pay to get the last levy passed for teacher raises - then they double-crossed the voters and yanked it away like Charlie Brown's political football. Melanie Bates and Rick Williams are superheroes for demanding accountability before they back another levy. And Answerman knows his superheroes. As I was telling Batman and Iron Man the other day ...

Q. I think I've heard that one. So who's the best superhero?

Answerman: Reagan defeated the Evil Empire, but he's gone. So now I like Margaret Thatcher. Her eulogy at the funeral was the best public speech we've heard since Winston Churchill did blood, sweat and tears.

Q. Who's your latest nemesis?

Answerman: In the next episode, Answerman will do battle with Profanityman and his evil sidekick X-Rated Radio. Citizens for Community Values has already beaten the bean dip out of the Dawn Patrol on WEBN, and the FCC squashed Howard Stern like a stinkbug. Clear Channel agreed it had been broadcasting indecency and paid a $1.7 million fine.

CCV leader Phil Burress said, "Clear Channel shows signs of really trying to clean up their programming. However, I believe the only way to stop the shock jocks on WEBN is to replace them. The battle for us has just begun.''

Answerman will be there.

But he might need someone else to drive.


E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com

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