The war in Iraq has engulfed daily existence, magnifying human actions and emotions and painting life in a series of dramatic images. We have seen sacrifices that inspire us, courage that humbles us, and heroes that seem larger than life.

A year like that, as a byproduct, dims our eyes for the gentler light of everyday life. And so on Fathers' Day, it is good to remember that sacrifice is no less valuable because it is a common thing, and heroes are made as much by quiet devotion as bold action. In 2004, as in all the centuries before it, to be a father is a brave thing in and of itself.

Deep reflection on fathering is not a familiar practice, and not an entirely comfortable one. Historically, fathers seem to have performed their role best when nobody was watching.

They may not have thought of themselves as the family communicator, but the choice piece of advice they offered may have shaped a child's path for life. Many fathers have lamented being absent for some of their children's important moments, but - in retrospect - their children remember an ordinary moment with their father as the most important one of all.

Fathers often aren't quite sure they are doing their job well, and sometimes can't even articulate it. But a father's value is one of the things that continues to unfold in a child's life in a powerful and perplexing way long after the father himself is gone.

As we realize years after we have left childhood, A father's gifts are often quiet things.

Seeing, knowing and truly understanding the worth of one's father is a life's work, a little like watching a solar eclipse. We cannot view the thing straight on. We catch a glimpse of it from the corner of our eye, and only on rare occasions do we see it for what it is. But, when we do, we never forget what we saw.

Many times that vision was a man who gave much, asked little and often didn't get even that. Fathers have a habit of keeping their deepest wishes, like their deepest hurts, to themselves.

Not every child by a long shot has had the opportunity to know his or her father. Some fathers have been absent from the home. Others have been in the home but absent from the relationship. The pain of such an experience is only matched by the power of it. Pop culture may suggest that a father is optional, but try telling that to a child who never knew one.

And then - thank God - into the void steps a man who may not biologically be a father, but embraces the other, far more important aspects of the role. These men glow with such unmistakable light that they do not need a day named for them to understand their own worth.

That, in fact, is the gift we wish for every father. You won't find it written on a card, but we do appreciate the long commutes home following a brutal day at work, the hours spent coaching Little League while outfielders watch airplanes overhead, the sick cat you took to the vet at midnight - and it, at that, a stray.

The things you can't even remember are those your children will never forget.