Everything we need to know about Father's Day can be said in one word: necktie.

The traditional Father's Day gift is a strip of overpriced, brightly colored cloth that you tie around your neck in a complicated, oxygen-restricting knot, tighter than a slow dance at the senior prom.

Don't get me wrong. I have so many ties that I asked for another tie rack for Father's Day. I wear one nearly every day. But sometimes I think my necktie is not unlike a choke collar and leash to keep me from straying into the woods on the way to my dog-kennel office cubicle.

The traditional gift for Mother's Day is flowers. A bouquet symbolizes beauty, softness, sweet fragrances and the nurturing, loving care that helps children grow and blossom.

Dads get a tie, which says: Aren't you supposed to be at the office?

Sometimes, we get a sleeve of Titleists, which says: We don't even pretend you wouldn't rather be playing golf.

Each year, armies of experts in lab coats work around the clock to find the perfect Father's Day gift. And every year they come up with: gadgets.

So some guys get the Swiss Army pocket organizer and tire-pressure gauge with built-in CD-player/alarm clock that downloads your office e-mails on a screen the size of a flea's bathtub.

So what do dads really want?

• How about an entire season of TV sitcoms that do not make fathers look like Fred Flintstone's less sophisticated cousin from the Stupid Cave. Just once I'd like to see a radically different show with a father who knows more than his 6-year-old kid.

I know, clueless TV fathers are a time-honored tradition. So are neckties.

• The Grand Prix de Porkopolis. Just give us one day. No speed traps or tickets, no stop signs or orange barrels. Just a wide-open racetrack through the city so we can drive our Pontiacs, minivans and pickups as fast as we want and finally answer the question that all men ponder during the daily commute: How fast would I have to go to get downtown in 12 minutes?

• Wouldn't it be nice to get a new culture that respected dads enough to stop pretending fathers are about as necessary as shoelaces on flip-flops?

Contrary to what some people think, dads are not just a colorful fashion accessory. Anyone who thinks they are not important should just ask a fatherless kid.

• A go-kart. My unscientific survey found that 99 percent of fathers always wanted one - and still do.

I recently found a rusting kart in a weed patch and bought it on the spot. My hands have been stained with paint and grease ever since, but I take more satisfaction from replacing a clutch with my son than I'd get from a Nobel Prize for Obnoxious Opinions.

I've discovered that prolonged skin contact with oily engine parts and wrenches is good for the male soul.

That's because there is a part of us, deep down under the office game face and the button-down collar, that cannot be tamed no matter what kind of knot you tie around our necks.

• I'd like a time machine to take me back to treasured moments with my children that I spent too fast, like rare coins I didn't even know I had in my pocket.

And I'd like a free pass to get a little blurry-eyed and sappy about those moments.

Such as...

A morning pushing my little girl in a stroller through the zoo. Playing "tickle me'' on the couch with my son.

And all those times when they gave me the greatest gift a father could ask for:

"I love you, Dad.''

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call (513) 768-8301.