In the most creative display of soccer hooliganism since that Nike commercial streaker, vandals defaced a portrait of England captain David Beckham at the Royal Academy of Arts this week, scrawling the words "you loosers" in indelible red felt pen.

The words, scrawled on the 5-foot-high picture after England's quarterfinal loss in the European Championships, are thought to have been deliberately misspelled in a reference to Beckham's alleged affair with his former personal secretary, Rebecca Loos.

Get it?

Bench player

Cal State Fullerton's Kurt Suzuki was announced as college baseball's best catcher Wednesday night when he won the Johnny Bench Award, ironically named after a man who never played college baseball.

Security or soccer?

Brazil will play a friendly soccer match in Haiti in August, with spectators invited to swap firearms for tickets, Brazilian Sports Minister Angelo Queiroz said this week.

The event raises the question: If you live in Haiti, what do you need more, a soccer ticket or a firearm?

Saint Michael

In the most over-the-top welcome since the Sydney Olympics opening ceremonies, Michael Jordan's business trip arrival in China this week prompted the following front-page headline in The Beijing Daily Messenger: "How We Have Been Longing For Your Flying Glamour!"

Big Apple bug

After years of hangers-on and groupies plaguing high-profile New York pro athletes, Jason Giambi became the first to have it directly affect his playing time.

The Westchester, N.Y., Journal News reported the Yankees first baseman was "suffering from parasites," an affliction that forced manager Joe Torre to scratch him from Tuesday's starting lineup.

Stat of the week

Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael Powell recommended that Viacom Inc.'s CBS unit be fined $550,000 for airing the Super Bowl halftime show at which singer Justin Timberlake bared Janet Jackson's breast, two FCC officials said this week.

For those scoring at home, that's about a dollar for every complaint CBS received.