By Patricia Gallagher Newberry
Enquirer contributor

Two weeks and a day from now, I will nervously scan a room of 150 vaguely familiar people, make awkward chitchat and offer my best impersonation of a Person Who Has It All Together.

I expect the other 149 or so members of my 1979 graduating class to do the same.

But while they may stumble into unsafe territory - with blunders about weight gain, failed businesses, ex-spouses and gambling debts - I'm boning up on surefire ways to avoid major gaffes.

Call it "The 25 (Or So) Things Not To Do at Your 25th High School Reunion Guide":

• Don't brag about your children. You have children, they have children. Pull out your pictures and they'll pull out theirs. But save the reports on record SATs, winning touchdowns and full-ride scholarships for the grandparents.

• Don't brag about your grandchildren. While it's entirely possible for '79 grads to have grandchildren, advertising that fact may not present you at your youthful best with the Homecoming Court Set.

• Don't brag about your station in life. Big paychecks, big jobs and big houses do not make for big people. Remember: Then, as now, you are not what you drive. (No harm in passing the picture of the kids standing in front of the new Jag, however.)

• Don't worry about your looks. So you didn't lose the 15 pounds you meant to. So you've got a little gray at the roots. Wear something slimming, hope for low lighting and remember everyone else in the room is 40-something, too.

• Don't worry about their looks. The football hero may look 60. The cheerleading captain may appear to be packing pompoms. Hard as it may be, resist the urge to comment on these unfortunate conditions to your friends. If that's not possible, repair to the ladies room for a quick review of who's sporting hair implants.

• Don't relive past hurts. Let's say a girl named, oh, Jane Bray, stole your part in the senior play. Let's say Jane has the audacity to mention this fact some 25 years later. Now is not the time to play Drama Queen. As much as the crowd might enjoy it, no cat fights.

• Don't replay old scripts. Class clown? Team goat? Brainiac? Burnout? Least Likely to Fight Your Way Out of a Paper Sack? That was then. This is now. Be who you are today.

• Don't drink too much. See Jane Bray reference above. 'Nuf said.

• Don't gossip. Yes, some classmates may have had setbacks. Some may be wildly successful. Be gracious to all. Or you may be the subject of the next group dash to the bathroom.

• Don't flirt. This is not 1979. You are not after a date to Homecoming. Come reunion No. 30, people will remember if you came alone but left with someone.

• Don't abandon your date. School him on the Nebraska Cornhuskers for the inevitable football conversations. Keep him occupied with little jobs. ("Honey, can you add some more rum to the punch bowl? It's pretty weak.") If you neglect him, he might someday strand you with an ex-classmate with fascinating theories on Central Wisconsin weather patterns.

• Don't renege on promises to keep in touch. Bring a pen. Write down e-mails. Then reacquaint yourself with people you once called friends. You might just find yourself looking forward to the 30th.

E-mail patti@marriedwchildren.com.