I like those Wachovia Securities ads on TV that ask things like, "What can we learn from a canoe paddle?'' I answer the TV like Super Ken on Jeopardy: "If you invested in Enron, you're up the creek and you don't have one.''

But their answer is always the same: Let Wachovia brokers "wachovia'' money.

Lately I'm hoping they will do an ad asking, "What can we learn from dogs that chase trucks?'' It might explain why so many people are running for mayor of Cincinnati in 2005, and answer the critical question for car-chasing dachshunds and City Hall candidates: What will you do if you catch it?

After all, two of the candidates serve on City Council. They've seen the wild, untamed meetings up close. Running for mayor is like watching a Jaws marathon - then applying for the job as shark feeder at Sea World.

It's like Siegfried watching Roy nearly get eaten alive, then saying, "Here, take the whip and chair and put away that gun. I don't need it. All that tiger wants is an honest dialogue.''

But that hasn't stopped David Pepper and John Cranley from climbing into the cage. State Sen. Mark Mallory, who has watched City Hall from a safe distance in Columbus, is in there, too.

So far, the only Republican challenger for those three Democrats is Ohio Appeals Court Judge Mark Painter, who is absolutely sure he's thinking about considering it.

This is shocking. Republicans should be lining up for auditions like it's "Dunk John Kerry Day'' at the Hamilton County Fair.

With at least three Democrats who will face off in a non-partisan primary a year from now, the Republicans can't lose - unless they run nobody, as they did last time, or somebody worse than nobody.

According to my very unscientific calculations, this is how it could work.

Unless he can cut a deal to appoint Alicia Reece to his Ohio Senate seat and keep her out of the race, Mallory could wind up splitting the black vote with Reece.

If she stays out ... then Pepper and Cranley split the rest of the D-vote, and Mallory could win, the same way Courtis Fuller upset Charlie Luken, in the last primary, before Luken went on to win in the general election.

Whatever happens, Republicans are a lock for a spot on the final ballot if they run the right candidate. But whom?

From what I hear, Rudy Giuliani would rather brush his teeth with a belt sander, and Gen. Tommy Franks, who has already cleaned up Baghdad, is not that crazy to tackle Cincinnati.

So that leaves Painter and players to be named later. Painter might be able to get enough votes to win, despite his reputation as a "maverick'' (translation: pain in the fill-in-the-blank). And although I enjoy his quirky sense of humor and William F. Buckley impressions, I don't think there's room in Cincinnati City Hall for his Chicago-size ego.

Ohio Rep. Tom Brinkman says, "Lots of folks have encouraged me to run.'' He could be sort of a right-wing anvil to keep the balloon-head liberals on council from floating away into the moronosphere. But he says he will pass.

The name Republicans pine for the way NASCAR misses Earnhardt is black conservative Secretary of State Ken Blackwell.

Blackwell was with his family on vacation and could not be reached to say, as usual, that he's not interested because he's running for governor. But a lot can happen in a year.

What can we learn from political speculation? Beats me. I still can't figure out the canoe paddle.

E-mail pbronson@enquirer.com or call 768-8301.