Tuesday, September 21, 2004
First impressions can last
Make a good one and you've done a lot to get the job, the date or the deal
By Peggy O'Farrell
Enquirer staff writer
Dirty fingernails or clothes and or bad teeth are immediate turnoffs for Kim Jones. For John Darr, it's overpowering perfume or aftershave. For Debra Wilson, it's job candidates who come in not knowing what position they're interviewing for.
The commercial is right: You never get a second chance to make a first impression. This month, as students and adults enroll in new school classes, meet up with new club members, and get ready for an upcoming season of parties and business functions, making a good impression is foremost in everybody's mind. Even the newest reality show, The Benefactor, plays on it - on its first episode, host Mark Cuban eliminated several contestants on his first impression of them alone.
But that doesn't mean you can't plan the impression you want to make on someone in any first-encounter situation, experts say.
"People don't always realize they only have a few minutes to make it or break it" during that initial meeting, says Wilson, president of the Greater Cincinnati Human Resources Association and senior human resources representative for Sumco in Mainville. "It's either going to be a great beginning or a quick ending."
Whether we're at work or out on the town, most of us meet new people all the time, and make snap judgments about those people based on the skimpiest of evidence - hair, makeup, clothes, perfume, posture.
Jones, 39, of Golf Manor, says good grooming is important, along with a sense of humor and giving her a chance to talk once in a while.
"Don't forget the Certs," she adds.
Darr, 25, of Hyde Park, says perfume or cologne that's too strong is "just tacky." So is being late.
A publicist, he relies on making a good impression to get his message across.
"I want to look good, sound good, be knowledgeable and in control," he says. "I want that person to look forward to my phone call, press release or visit."
It doesn't make much sense to think you can safely judge a person 60 seconds - or less - into their acquaintance.
But we do it, looking for the clues that indicate whether a person fits into the slot he or she is trying to fill.
"You try to process the cues that are available to you," says Dr. Christian End, a social psychologist at Xavier University.
"If you just met someone and they never speak or only say hello, more of your impression is based on their appearance or how they present themselves to you," End says.
Appearance goes a long way in those first few seconds, says Dr. Daniel Langmeyer, a psychologist at the University of Cincinnati. But it's not always the best dressed or best looking person in the room who gets all the attention.
"You pick other people to associate with who aren't too much different than you," Langmeyer says.
And that search for commonality continues past the first glance into the first conversation, experts say.
Dr. Ann Demarais, a New York psychologist and co-author of First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You (Bantam; $22.95) says appearance can give clues about what we might have in common with another person - age, income, profession - but while appearance lures the person in, so to speak, it's conversation and body language that makes or breaks the sale.
"A very common pattern, in the nervousness of trying to make a good first impression, is people over-focusing on themselves. They might talk more than normal, trying to make themselves appear more appealing. That has an unintended message that they're self-absorbed or even arrogant," Demarais says.
One easy way to make a good first impression is to let the other person talk and encourage give-and-take conversation, she says.
Demarais and her business and writing partner, Dr. Valerie White, coach executives on their communications skills.
Their advice:
Focus on how the other person feels and try to make them feel better about themselves.
Let the person you're talking to co-create the conversation.
That said, modesty is a virtue. Instead of showing all your high cards at once, let the other person discover through give and take that you went to Harvard.
Watch the body language: Smile. Lean toward the person during the conversation to indicate interest and receptiveness and make good eye contact.
Mark Frankovic, owner of the It's Just Lunch dating service franchise in downtown Cincinnati, spends a lot of time coaching clients on first impressions.
Showing up on time is important. So is avoiding controversial topics of conversation.
A final piece of advice "No arm-wrestling over the check," Frankovic says. Many men automatically reach for it, and some women insist on splitting the tab. Bloodshed makes for a bad first impression.
First-impression basics
Want to start things on the right foot? sSome advice from experts:
Be on time: Whether it's a job interview, a date, pre-date coffee, whatever. It shows you value the person you're meeting and can manage your own schedule.
Dress appropriately: Wear a suit to a job interview or not-too-revealing club attire for a first date. Save the Reds jersey and shorts for a ballgame or picnic. And don't forget grooming - hair in place, makeup in reasonable amounts, nails clean.
Do your research: If it's a job interview, know what the company does and what job you're applying for. If it's a pre-date, know a little bit about the person you're meeting - but not enough to suggest you're already stalking him or her.
Demonstrate interest: Ask about the other person, the job, the company, etc. Make eye contact, stand up straight and do the other things your mother advised you to.
Appearance counts. So does aroma. Overwhelming scents - whether it's your aftershave or plain old body odor - are a turnoff.
Remember your manners. Say please and thank you. Use a knife and fork. Give a firm handshake. Avoid discussing controversial subjects. Answer questions politely.
In between being smart, funny, well-dressed and infinitely smooth, remember this, too: Be yourself. (But smarter, nicer and better-dressed.)