GAY, HERE AND NOW Joe Smitherman, 39, and his partner of seven years, Jason Knaley, 31, of the West End. The Enquirer/STEVEN M. HERPPICH

This Enquirer special report consists of four parts Tuesday: • Coming out's effect lasts a lifetime • Awkward moments don't have to happen • School groups try to promote understanding Monday: • Gay parents face extra challenges • What would you do if your child were gay? Sunday: • Coming to terms with gay issues • Survey: What's gay-friendly, what's not? • Covington's legal protections 'reassuring' • Voters, churches and lawyers weigh in on debate on rights • Words and phrases to know • Calls refer to homosexual rights • Bronson: Straight, gay: disagreeing without hate Wednesday: Daily workplace drama Online special: • Complete results of WCPO/Enquirer poll

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Gay in Cincinnati: What do you think?

Straight people typically assume the people they meet or know are likewise heterosexual. But that's not always the case. That face-to-face moment of truth with a gay person can be a bit awkward, although it need not be.

We asked several experts to give their advice on discussing sexual orientation. Ritch C. Savin-Williams is a professor of human development at Cornell University; Ann Marie Sabath is an etiquette expert; and Barbara Brewer is a clinical psychologist who practices in East Walnut Hills.

Question: What's your sense of how comfortable straights are in discussing gay issues with gays?

Sabath: "It depends how comfortable (straights) are with themselves. If people have a high sense of self-esteem, they are more likely to be open to thinking outside the box, and outside their own comfort zone."

Q: A neighbor or co-worker has just indicated that he or she is gay. What do you say or do?

Savin-Williams: "I would want to be very honest about what I could deal with and what I couldn't. Levels of acceptance range from outright rejection to tolerance to acceptance. It's important to be honest with oneself about your level (of acceptance).

"You might say, 'You're my friend, I'm not going to reject you. I want you to know I can't approve of and celebrate your sexuality, but I can tolerate it. And if that's inadequate, I understand.'

"Or you might say, 'You can help me to grow, and to be more understanding and accepting.' "

Q: Maybe the co-worker isn't so direct, but you see a photo on her desk of her with another woman, and you're unsure of the relationship.

Brewer: "That in a sense is an announcement. You might ask, 'Who's in the picture?' And the person might volunteer, 'That's my partner.' Then clearly that person feels comfortable announcing that she has a same-sex relationship."

Q: OK, then what?

Brewer: "Let's put it this way. If instead of talking about gays, we were talking about blacks, would you need some sense of etiquette? You treat them as any other ordinary person."

Q: In a politically correct world, some people worry about saying the wrong thing.

Savin-Williams: "There are going to be some awkward moments. But people can be adult about it, and say, 'Oops, I guess that sounded wrong, I didn't mean to offend.' It's important to be honest about one's limited knowledge and stereotypes, and to confront those, and be willing to open yourself to growth."

E-mail jjohnston@enquirer.com