I'm not a person with a lot of patience, so this Kerry vs. Bush thing is killing me.
In the interest of helping others like me, I conducted my own very scientific poll. For this, I drove around to random spots, counted the bumper stickers in parking lots and on nearby streets and made some very reliable conclusions.
Not only did I figure out who's going to be the next president (*cough* John Kerry), I also found that too much creative talent is being wasted on bumper stickers. These writers should be helping out with Joey or something.
Wild Oats (Oakley)
If the election were held at this natural marketplace, John Kerry would be the overwhelming winner. He swept the parking lot, 14 to 0.
Conclusion: Consumers of organic edamame salad are leaning very Kerry.
Best sticker: This one's a tie between "Bush/Cheney - Ignore the poor, we want war!" and "Bush - The President Quayle we never had."
Joseph-Beth Booksellers (Oakley)
All five stickers here were for the senator.
Conclusion: People who read like Kerry.
Best sticker: "Nov. 2, 2004 - The end of an error."
First Watch (Oakley)
There's a fine line between Joseph-Beth parking and the parking for this breakfast/lunch/brunch place. So I counted only the spaces directly in front of this establishment - both cars with bumper stickers were promoting No. 43.
Conclusion: People who eat oatmeal like George Bush.
Best sticker: "Bush/Cheney '04." (Hey, things don't get too wacky among the egg-white omelet set.)
Newport on the Levee
Fifteen JK/JE people won out over the 6 Bushies, who were probably tossing money around at Tropicana.
Conclusion: Wherever you find a Claire's Boutique, you'll find support for Kerry.
Best sticker: The bizarre "Librarians for Laura - One reader in the White House is enough." Also spotted: "Dean people suck."
Western Bowl (Bridgetown)
Who knew bowling would be the great divider? Neither candidate will get a strike here, where five stickers were pro-Kerry and five were pro-Bush.
Conclusion: Bowling alleys are the real battleground areas.
Best sticker: "Bush/Cheney: We're gooder!"
Starbucks (Columbia Tusculum)
Absolutely no political stickers here.
Conclusion: Some people need coffee more than a president.
Best sticker anyway: "Actions speak louder than bumper stickers." Also worth noting: "Better a bleeding heart than none at all."
A whopping four people here are voting for Kerry. Zero showed support for Bush. Maybe they were all out working on his campaign?
Conclusion: Mmm, beer.
Best sticker: "Vote Kerry - He's not Bush."
Fifth Third Bank (Delhi)
Three people here were for Kerry. Just one was sporting Bush support.
Conclusion: Kerry's the man for those concerned with their pocketbook.
Best sticker: "Vote Democrat: Aren't you poor enough?"
Parking lot (Downtown)
There's a place for Bush fans. And that place is underneath Fountain Square. Bush stickers win out, 12 to 8.
Conclusion: Value two hours of parking for $1? You're voting Bush!
Best sticker: "President Kerry? Now that's scary!" (And it has a pumpkin on it. Because it's Halloween. And it rhymes. Get it?)
Gold's Gym (Mount Washington)
It'll be a close one here, with both candidates muscling for the presidency - two Kerry stickers vs. two Bush.
Conclusion: Looking hot is bipartisan.
Best sticker: Yet another tie. Here "No more Bushit" battles "Flush the Johns!"
St. Mary's Cathedral Basilica of the Assumption (Covington)
Guess what? Bush wins out, six to one.
Conclusion: My selection of best bumper sticker says it all.
Best sticker: "Vote Bush - Jesus would!"
Interstate 71 North.
My confidence in Kerry began to falter when quite a few "W"-clad cars rudely cut in front of me. But then - way over in the fast lane - I saw this sticker, which gave me hope in my fellow Americans again.
Best overall: "Vote Bush - Why change horsemen mid-apocalypse?"
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