Friday, October 22, 2004

No margin of error with your bumper sticker



Maggie Downs

I'm not a person with a lot of patience, so this Kerry vs. Bush thing is killing me.

In the interest of helping others like me, I conducted my own very scientific poll. For this, I drove around to random spots, counted the bumper stickers in parking lots and on nearby streets and made some very reliable conclusions.

Not only did I figure out who's going to be the next president (*cough* John Kerry), I also found that too much creative talent is being wasted on bumper stickers. These writers should be helping out with Joey or something.

• Wild Oats (Oakley)

If the election were held at this natural marketplace, John Kerry would be the overwhelming winner. He swept the parking lot, 14 to 0.

Conclusion: Consumers of organic edamame salad are leaning very Kerry.

Best sticker: This one's a tie between "Bush/Cheney - Ignore the poor, we want war!" and "Bush - The President Quayle we never had."

• Joseph-Beth Booksellers (Oakley)

All five stickers here were for the senator.

Conclusion: People who read like Kerry.

Best sticker: "Nov. 2, 2004 - The end of an error."

• First Watch (Oakley)

There's a fine line between Joseph-Beth parking and the parking for this breakfast/lunch/brunch place. So I counted only the spaces directly in front of this establishment - both cars with bumper stickers were promoting No. 43.

Conclusion: People who eat oatmeal like George Bush.

Best sticker: "Bush/Cheney '04." (Hey, things don't get too wacky among the egg-white omelet set.)

• Newport on the Levee

Fifteen JK/JE people won out over the 6 Bushies, who were probably tossing money around at Tropicana.

Conclusion: Wherever you find a Claire's Boutique, you'll find support for Kerry.

Best sticker: The bizarre "Librarians for Laura - One reader in the White House is enough." Also spotted: "Dean people suck."

• Western Bowl (Bridgetown)

Who knew bowling would be the great divider? Neither candidate will get a strike here, where five stickers were pro-Kerry and five were pro-Bush.

Conclusion: Bowling alleys are the real battleground areas.

Best sticker: "Bush/Cheney: We're gooder!"

• Starbucks (Columbia Tusculum)

Absolutely no political stickers here.

Conclusion: Some people need coffee more than a president.

Best sticker anyway: "Actions speak louder than bumper stickers." Also worth noting: "Better a bleeding heart than none at all."

• Hofbrauhaus (Newport)

A whopping four people here are voting for Kerry. Zero showed support for Bush. Maybe they were all out working on his campaign?

Conclusion: Mmm, beer.

Best sticker: "Vote Kerry - He's not Bush."

• Fifth Third Bank (Delhi)

Three people here were for Kerry. Just one was sporting Bush support.

Conclusion: Kerry's the man for those concerned with their pocketbook.

Best sticker: "Vote Democrat: Aren't you poor enough?"

• Parking lot (Downtown)

There's a place for Bush fans. And that place is underneath Fountain Square. Bush stickers win out, 12 to 8.

Conclusion: Value two hours of parking for $1? You're voting Bush!

Best sticker: "President Kerry? Now that's scary!" (And it has a pumpkin on it. Because it's Halloween. And it rhymes. Get it?)

• Gold's Gym (Mount Washington)

It'll be a close one here, with both candidates muscling for the presidency - two Kerry stickers vs. two Bush.

Conclusion: Looking hot is bipartisan.

Best sticker: Yet another tie. Here "No more Bushit" battles "Flush the Johns!"

• St. Mary's Cathedral Basilica of the Assumption (Covington)

Guess what? Bush wins out, six to one.

Conclusion: My selection of best bumper sticker says it all.

Best sticker: "Vote Bush - Jesus would!"

• Interstate 71 North.

My confidence in Kerry began to falter when quite a few "W"-clad cars rudely cut in front of me. But then - way over in the fast lane - I saw this sticker, which gave me hope in my fellow Americans again.

Best overall: "Vote Bush - Why change horsemen mid-apocalypse?"

E-mail mdowns@enquirer.com




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